


Distanced

by StarTrekkin08



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: "Night Bird", Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Episode: s01e10 Prime Factors reference, Episode: s02e18 Death Wish reference, Episode: s03e15 Coda reference, Episode: s03e26 Scorpion, Episode: s06e10-11 Chain of Command Parts 1-2 reference, F/M, Gen, Humor, Jazz - Freeform, Kidnapping, Love, Memory Alpha references, Memory Beta references, NO rape, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), Story: Isabo's Shirt - Kirsten Beyer, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, not crazy gory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:34:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24693844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTrekkin08/pseuds/StarTrekkin08
Summary: Admiral Kathryn Janeway is missing. Who will find her? Who will save her? Will there be enough time?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	1. Missing

**Author's Note:**

> This is heavily based on Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay's relationship. So, although TNG is in here, and fans with appreciate the subtle references, it is primary focused on them. This was not based on any of the TNG books or Picard series. There's a nod to, "Isabo's Shirt" and "Full Circle" but it won't ruin anything.
> 
> There is no rape. There is depiction of torture but no more than you would expect from an PG-13 movie, I expect. I don't like a lot of gore. No Section 31 conspiracies.
> 
> This is my first completed, written story. When I wrote it, it filled 1.5 tiny notebooks. Apparently, I write small! I didn't realize how long it was! Everything wrote afterwards has been much, much shorter. It took a LONG time to type up.
> 
> Written Jan.-Feb. 2020.
> 
> I do not own rights to Star Trek: Voyager or TNG media or any kind. 
> 
> I'll let you read now. ;) Enjoy.

Admiral Kathryn Janeway took a long sip of coffee and sighed while she stood and looked across the water. It has been about nine months since Voyager returned back to Earth. She had been staying at her lake cabin while on leave from her admiral duties for the past few weeks. She walked back inside and set her coffee back in the replicator. Kathryn scanned the inside of the house, grabbed the bag by the door, and closed it as she left.

…

**Two weeks later.**

Captain Chakotay walked up the pathway and noticed the roses near the house. At the front door he hesitated before ringing the chime. Admiral Owen Paris was the last person he expected to answer the door.

“Captain Chakotay,” Admiral Paris said.

“Admiral Paris-,” Chakotay began.

“If you are looking for the admiral, she is not here. She is missing,” he cut him off.

He felt his stomach drop. “Missing? What do you mean by missing?” he said. The admiral let him inside.

“Admiral Janeway was supposed to report back to Starfleet Headquarters a week ago. She didn’t report. The last we know of, she was visiting a friend of hers off-planet, a Lettie Garrett. There is a record of the admiral getting on an interplanet shuttlecraft but there are no records of her arrival. We found out that Lettie was murdered the same day Kathryn was supposed to arrive. Thanks to her recent message, we were able to contact the local authorities there,” he said and pointed to the desktop console. “We are grasping at straws here, captain,” the admiral sighed.

…

**Flashback to two weeks ago.**

Kathryn was reading her PADD on the shuttlecraft. She was looking forward to visiting her old Starfleet Academy friend, Lettie Garrett. They finally found a week in their plans that worked before the admiral had to get back to work on the final proceedings of incorporating the Junhar homeworld into the Federation.

She was the only one on the transport shuttle besides the pilot and she didn’t mind at all.

Unknown to her, outside the transport shuttle an alien lifeform decloaked within on the back of the shuttle and placed incendiary devices there. Another cloaked alien moved from inside the back of the shuttle and towards the admiral with unfriendly intentions.

…

“I will help you find Kathryn,” said Chakotay. “Voyager is still going through the refit right now. Put me on the search, admiral.”

“We have a team-,” Admiral Paris was cut off.

“Put me on it. Please. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Admiral Paris let out a defeated sigh and said, “Very well.”


	2. The Search Begins

**Chakotay’s date: Two weeks and two days after Kathryn’s disappearance, or, two days after visiting her cabin.**

Chakotay had never been on the USS Enterprise before. It was certainly larger than the Val Jean and Voyager combined. He looked out the Briefing Room’s viewport while waiting for Captain Picard and his chiefs of staff to enter.

“Welcome, Captain Chakotay. Please sit,” Captain Picard said as he and his crew entered. They also sat down and introduced themselves.

Captain Picard began with, “As you may well know, Admiral Janeway is missing. The last known date and location of her whereabouts was the Oakland Shipyard when she boarded an off-world transport shuttle two-and-a-half weeks ago. After some investigation, Starfleet believes her disappearance to be suspicious. The planned Junhar’s induction into Starfleet was Admiral Janeway’s assignment. Upon what was supposed to be her return from leave, the admiral was to review any last concerns about the treaty. The induction ceremony is expected to be held in two weeks and it is still on schedule. However, due to the timing of events, Starfleet is cautious as to whether the admiral’s disappearance is coincidental or not, since the friend she was visiting was murdered the same day the admiral was to arrive. We are tasked with visiting the home planet of the Junhar. While we are there we are to look for any clues of possible dissidence and fear against the Federation and or the admiral.”

“Have there been any emissions or traces of the shuttlecraft?” asked Commander Geordi LaForge.

“No, not a trace. Not even a speck of debris from the major passages,” Chakotay answered.

“Well, we will do our best to find Admiral Janeway. Now, let’s discuss the Junhar.” 

Picard continued to speak towards his crew and Captain Chakotay, “Starfleet Intelligence found out that the pilot on the admiral’s shuttle did not exist. Codes and a fake profile had been created to mimic an actual Starfleet pilot. It was so skilled that the pilot’s information was not questioned until Starfleet found out the pilot had no family and no contacts to question in their investigation. They are to forward any new information as soon as they find out more information.”

...

Chakotay sat in Ten Forward with a glass in his hand and a blank stare out of the window.

“Penny for your thoughts?” a voice said.

Chakotay looked up to see a woman in a long purple garb and a magnificent purple hat.

She continued, “You must be Captain Chakotay. I’m the Enterprise’s bartender and listener extraordinaire. My name is Guinan. May I take a seat?”

“Go right ahead,” he said and gestured to the seat.

“You definitely have your head in the stars. What’s your story?” she asked.

…

**Kathryn’s date: The day of the abduction.**

Fingers felt the cold floor that had supported it. A body laid on the floor. It starts to move. 

Kathryn opened her eyes. After regaining her focus, she saw bright lighting on the ceiling. She was confused. The last thing she remembered was being on the transport shuttle. Kathryn stood up and looked around. It was an empty white room with a white stone floor. The only noticeable aspect was two panels-one by the door and one on the side of the room. It reminded her of a science lab.

She walked to the door and pounded on it. “Is anyone there?” she shouted.

No response.

“I am Admiral Kathryn Janeway of the United Federation of Planets. You will tell me why I am here and you will let me out, _now_.”

No response.

As she was going to shout for a third time the door opened. She looked upon the aliens with orange eyes and yellow-green skin of sand-like texture. One of them spoke. 

“Admiral Janeway, we know who you are. That is why you are here. The Junhar have been in the process of joining your Federation. We cannot let that happen. This room-,” he looks around, “-is the last thing you will ever see in your life.”

…

The Junhar planet would be an ideal planet for shore leave. It had such beautiful scenery.

“Looks like Risa will have some competition,” said Commander Riker.

Chakotay let out a small grin. Riker was surely an interesting person. He didn’t know what to think about him yet. 

“That is certainly a probability. But it’s missing something.”

“What is that?” Riker said as they walked.

“Good music,” said Chakotay as he heard vendors playing some of their local music.

“Ha. I was thinking you were going to say-.” then Riker caught Counselor Troi’s glance, “-never mind.”

“Maybe a little trombone?” Troi said playfully.

Chakotay looked at the two of them and suddenly felt a wave of guilt and disappointment. He looked away and thought of how Kathryn would playfully banter at times as well. Troi noticed the change in Chakotay’s emotions and demeanor but said nothing of it.

“I do like a little jazz now and then,” Chakotay mumbled.

“Number one, maybe we will have to hold a little jazz concert for Captain Chakotay. It _has_ been awhile,” said Picard.

“Sounds good,” said Chakotay.

Chakotay looked around the marketplace and remembered the times Voyager’s crew had visited Sikaria only to be disappointed when they could not acquire the trajectory device to get home in a heartbeat.

They were on their way to meet the leader of the Junhar, Leader Kahrem, at the Hall of Knowledge.

“Kahrem said that although he will have a busy schedule after our meeting today; he will give us a tour of the area tomorrow,” said Troi.

‘That’s great,’ Chakotay thought, ‘but what about clues to Kathryn’s disappearance? Will we get any closer? Hopefully we can find something.’

Chakotay was questioning why he was there...but where else could he go?


	3. Nothing but White Walls

**Two weeks since Kathryn departed Earth.**

Blood spilled onto the floor from her mouth. She was laying on her side, badly bruised, with her hands tied behind her back. It has been who-knows how many weeks since Kathryn was first captured by these aliens. She had tried to fight the aliens moments earlier and tried to escape.

“Why...are....you...doing...this?” Kathryn seethed.

“We cannot allow the Junhar to join your precious Federation of Planets.”

“Why? How does that affect your species?”

“That is **our** concern.”

“It-,” a gasp cut off her words. Kathryn was dragged and slammed against a wall.

“We will ask the questions here.”

...

**Three weeks since Kathryn departed Earth.**

The next week, her hands were no longer tied. The aliens figured she was not strong enough to put up a major fight. She has only seen three of these aliens. It seems that they take turns relieving each other of duty. One had a deeper voice than the rest who was also the main interrogator. They received some small, sick, pleasure from torture. There was another who had the darkest green and yellow coloring compared to the others. This alien had been a very short-term reliever who was not as harsh as the others. The third, the one with the loudest steps, was the main reliever.

The one with the deep voice sat at a table that had been placed in the room. Mr. Loud Footsteps was holding and standing Kathryn up with his firm grips. She looked worse, with not only bruises on her arms, but cuts as well. Dried blood covered her in spots and one eye was halfway swollen shut. Kathryn’s lips were dry and her hands subtly shook uncontrollably.

“Where is the location of the induction ceremony to be held?!” Mr. Deep Voice shouted and screamed at her.

Kathryn bit her lip and could taste the salt from her lips. She said nothing.

Mr. Deep Voice gave a nod to Mr. Loud Footsteps. A crack and agonizing pain rushed through her and she screamed in agony. Mr. Footsteps had broken her leg and was still holding her body up. Her body kept trying to sink and gain balance.

“You are very testing,” said Mr. Deep Voice.

Kathryn was breathing heavily. She was in so much pain. She didn’t know how long she could last. Her mind was frayed. She was angry, sad, and disgusted both at them and at herself for falling into negative psychology and thinking of giving up. Had she become soft after Voyager? She opened her mouth to speak and hesitated before words fumbled out.

“15473.198,” she said softly.

“What did you say?” as he stood from the table.

“The coordinates of the induction conference are at 15473.198,” Kathryn said with a slightly louder voice and defeated look.

She dropped her head down.

He walked over from around the desk and grabbed her chin in his hands that brushed her skin like sandpaper. “You better be right,” Mr. Deep Voice hissed, “because there are worse things than death.”

They both left the room, leaving Kathryn to crumble onto the floor, alone. She tried to drag herself over to the panel and the door. She propped herself enough to put her fingers on the panel but she did not recognize the language. Kathryn tried different combinations of symbols and letters. She then hit it several times in frustration when the door opened. It was the alien with the darker colorings.

“You are wasting your time. Eat. Drink,” he said. He was holding a tray of some food and a drink. He placed it on the table.

Kathryn sighed in frustration and tried to hop over. The alien came over to her and brought her over.

She asked, “Why are you helping me?”

“What we are doing is necessary. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person.”

Kathryn’s head was dizzy from the pain, sleep deprivation, and two-days worth of huger. Her hands trembled as she reached for her first bite.


	4. Breadcrumbs

**Three weeks since Kathryn left Earth**

Chakotay tossed the PADD on the table in his quarters. “Kathryn, where are you?” he said to the stars.

‘What are we even doing? We are no closer to finding her than we were in the beginning,’ he thought.

His mind started to wander back...

_ “You definitely have your head in the stars. What’s your story?” Guinan had asked him in their last conversation. He had talked about how he found out about Kathryn’s disappearance upon his return from visiting his sister, Sekaya, on Dorvan V. Chakotay had told Guinan about his family history and how he got into Starfleet, into the Maquis, and back into Starfleet. Guinan told some of her backstory and that she had a new drink. She needed a first tester. _

_ “It’s spiced peach Alderian Ale with a hint of mint. I call it, ‘Eternal Sun’.” _

_ It was delicious. _

_ “You truly know your drinks. That is  **very** good,” he nodded towards the drink. _

_ There was something about talking to Guinan that was very soothing. She told the truth about being an extraordinary listener. _

Chakotay’s frustration and anger were bubbling to the surface. So were fear and worry. He decided to go to Ten Forward and have another “Eternal Sun”.

...

Not long after, Chakotay sat at the bar and asked Guinan for one.

“Hooked on it now, huh?” she said.

“What can I say?” he shrugged and drank.

“Nothing yet? No hints?” she asked.

“No. Not one damned thing,” he said bitterly.

Guinan stared at him.

“What is with the stare?” he asked.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. I believe you will find it again.” she said as if he would understand.

Quizzically, he asked, “Find what?” 

“Your peace. Excuse me. I have to attend to my other customers,” she said and left the table. 

Someone sat down next to him right after she left.

“Guinan is something else, isn’t she, captain?” said Captain Picard.

“Yes, she is.”

“So is Admiral Janeway,” Picard said as he took a sip out of his own drink. “I planned on making her my first officer. By the time I inquired about her, she had already received a posting. I had worked with her a few while I was... in-between commissions. Kathryn Janeway had a great scientific mind. Sometimes I couldn’t even get a word in!”

Chakotay was able to manage a smirk on his face.

“When she goes for something, she goes for it; hell or high water,” said Chakotay. “I thought she was out of her mind when she suggested an alliance with the Borg in order to protect Voyager from Species 8472. Let’s just say there were a lot of words that were said in that conversation.”

“I can imagine. Here’s to avoiding the hive mind,” he raised his glass.

“And to Admiral Janeway,” Chakotay said.

“And to Admiral Janeway,” echoed Picard.

They clinked their glasses together and rdank.

_ “Commander Riker to Captain Picard.”  _ Riker’s voice came over the combadge.

“Yes, commander?”

_ “Admiral Nechayev is on the line. She has important information that both you and Captain Chakotay should hear.” _

“Patch it to my Ready Room. The captain and I will be there shortly.”

They both left Ten Forward and headed towards the Ready Room.

…

“Admiral Nechayev,” Picard said to the monitor with Chakotay beside him.

“Captain Picard and Captain Chakotay. We have some new information which may be of concern to us. Starfleet has been aware of ship activity at coordinates 15473.198. As you may both well know, these were coordinates for the alternate location for the Junhar induction ceremony. However, this set of coordinates was declared to be no longer an option because of the recent earthquakes at that location. There are only a handful of people who knew of this old alternate location...all admirals, including Admiral Janeway. We no longer deemed it as a viable alternate location until two days ago,” Admiral Nechayev said.

“That means there is no real purpose to send someone there…” Picard started to say.

“...unless you wanted someone to think it was being held there...or send someone a message...like.. Admiral Janeway,” said Chakotay as his heartbeat picked up.

“Precisely. We have tracked the ship heading in your general direction. It doesn’t seem they know that we are aware about their visit. I am sending you the tracking information now. This may be our biggest lead...and only lead,” said Nechayev.

“We have the information, admiral,” said Picard.

“”Good luck. Nechayev out,” she said as she signed off the screen.


	5. Hands of Time

Kathryn was dreaming about being on Voyager. She was the only one on the bridge and there was a ship hurtling at the viewscreen. She tried contacting anyone and everyone with no response. She commanded the computer to fire photon torpedoes and fire phasers, which had been disabled. It kept coming closer and then a cracking sound was made and the ship jolted. She had trouble breathing. It wasn’t a crash. She was being kicked in the ribs. She opened her eyes to see Mr. Deep Voice kicking her repeatedly in the ribs.

“You think it’s funny that you sent us those coordinates?! There was nothing there! Trying to be so smart, are we?”

He punched her face and grabbed her by the hair. Then a knife emerged in his hand.

…

Both captains were on deck of the USS Enterprise. They were watching a ship come near the Junhar planet - and then vanish.

“Where did that ship go, Commander Data?” demanded Picard.

“It looks like the ship transported _inside_ the planet, sir,” said Data.

“Can we beam an away team inside?”

“No, but the inhabitants of that ship are no longer aboard the ship. They beamed onto the surface. I can get an approximate location,” said Data.

“Notify Kahrem and send those coordinates to the transporter pad,” Picard nodded towards the two other men, “Captain, Number One, you’re with me,” and Picard and the two of them headed toward the turbo lift.

…

Counselor Troi, Doctor Crusher, Commander LaForge, and security chief Lieutenant Daniels joined them. Once on the surface, it was going to be tough. The Junhar were a diverse mix and the location happened to be a busy destination.

“They landed within approximately five hundred meters. Be on the lookout for anything suspicious,” said Picard.

They broke into several teams. Riker was with Chakotay. They scoured around the people and brushed past groups of people. Then, something caught Chakotay’s eye.

…

Kathryn’s fingers were gushing with red. 

“I told you that you better be right about your coordinates. We have no use for you. We’ll do this on our own,” Mr. Deep Voice said.

She didn’t know that while she was dreaming they had brought in a basin.

The alien dragged her over to it while Mr. Loud Footsteps lifted the top metal grate above it.

“Get in,” Mr. Deep Voice commanded.

Her eyes opened wide and she struggled against the alien. Kathryn was pushed inside it, with the metal grate lid closing and locking above her.

“What are...you doing?!” she gasped from pain searing from her ribs and leg. “Why didn’t...you...talk with..the Junhar? I assume you...didn’t.”

The basin started to fill in with rushing water.

Kathryn tried to sit up but the basin wasn’t tall enough to sit or crouch. She could only lay at an angle. She put her fingers through the grate, trying to see if she could push it open. It was too heavy and she couldn’t access the latch. Kathryn shook it in frustration and desperation. Blood droplets from her sensitive fingers fell into the water. She felt so weak and everything in her body hurt. Three quarters of the tank have been filled before she knew it.

She thought about her father and Justin drowning on Tau Ceti Prime and how she was helpless as she watched the ship go down after the iceberg crash.

‘Is this going to be how I die? By drowning, just like them?’ she thought.

The alien said nobody was there at those coordinates. Those coordinates were to be an alternate location in case something went wrong with the original site. Starfleet should have been suspicious...unless...it was scrubbed as an alternate location.

‘Nobody is coming,’ she thought with dread. ‘All of those years in the Delta Quadrant and these are my rewards?’

Chakotay dating Seven. No face-to-face or direct communication with Chakotay. All of those Starfleet debriefings. The disaster of the Starfleet Voyager Ball. All of this flooded her mind as the water continued to flood the basin.

…

Chakotay noticed a silver chain that stuck out of an alien’s pocket. The alien saw Chakotay and started to quicken its pace. 

“Commander, we need to follow that alien. I have a hunch.”

Riker notified the rest of the away team as they followed the alien. The alien started to run and tried to open a hatch in the ground.

“Stop right there!” yelled Chakotay. Both he and Riker had both their phasers drawn.

The alien stopped.

“Take out what is in your pocket,” Chakotay said. The alien took it out.

“Hand it to me,” Chakotay ordered. The alien handed over the metallic object.

“What is it?” Riker asked as Chakotay looked over it.

“It’s a pocketwatch I gave Kath-Admiral Janeway on Voyager for her birthday,” he said to Riker and then looked at the alien and roared at the alien, “Where is **she**?!” 

The alien looked towards the hatch. Riker pressed his combadge. “Away team to our location. Have phasers ready. We may be able to find the admiral.”

With that, they entered the hatch.

When they finally reached the end of their staircase descent they found themselves at the end of a long, metallic, corridor. The others were not far behind.

“Lead us to Admiral Janeway,” Chakotay said, with phasers still set upon the alien.

Chakotay’s heart was pounding. Was the alien leading them into a trap? Would they find Kathryn? If so, would she be alive?

They went further down the corridor for about five hundred meters when the alien stopped at a door.

“Here,” the alien said and proceeded to go in with the two men.

It was a small room with a chair and it appeared to be an anteroom. There was another set of doors inside, where another one of the aliens lifted their weapon, only to be fired upon by Chakotay and Riker. Their alien guide entered through the doors first.

Two aliens looked at them, confused and surprised at their arrival. The one closest to the door also attempted to fire but was also fired upon. The other pushed through past them and ran out, but he was caught by the rest of the away team.

Chakotay went over to what seemed to be a tank and his heart dropped. Kathryn was floating motionless inside.

‘No! Please don’t let it be too late!’ he screamed in his head.

He and Riker unlatched the grate in a hurry and flung it open, lifting her limp body out of the tank and onto the floor.

“She’s not breathing!” Chakotay yelled.

He started chest compressions just as Doctor Crusher and a few others came in. Dr.Crusher hurried over and scanned Kathryn.

“You need to stop, captain,” Dr. Crusher said, “She has broken ribs.”

His hands stopped but he continued to hold on to her.

The doctor clicked on her combadge and spoke, “Crusher to the Transporter Room. Three for emergency transport to sickbay.”

Captain Chakotay, Doctor Crusher, and Admiral Janeway beamed into sickbay.

Chakotay placed her body onto the biobed and Dr. Crusher and her medical team went to work. He watched helplessly as they tried to resuscitate Kathryn. He felt every jolt that was given to her. Time seemed to change pace. It took every ounce of his body to stay still and stand back as they did their job. His adrenaline was still surging through him.

‘Come on, Kathryn! Damn it, breathe!’ he thought with tears in his eyes. His face drained of color when he realized he said similar words to almost five years ago after their shuttle crashed.

...

Then, after a hair raising minute or two, she started to cough. It was the most wonderful cough he’s ever heard. He released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding while water ejected from her lungs as her chest rose and fell.

“Captain,” said a voice he didn’t hear as he stared at Kathryn from across the room.

“Captain Chakotay,” Dr. Crusher said and walked to him.

He turned his eyes to the doctor.

“She’s breathing, but barely…,” Dr. Crusher said as water continued to come out of Kathryn’s mouth. “She’s still unconscious. Captain, I’ll need you to wait outside sickbay. We’ll need to perform surgery and it will take awhile.”

Chakotay wanted to object but Dr. Crusher’s face was absolute. Without a word, he nodded and walked towards the sickbay doors. Once he stepped outside, he decided to contact the away team. He needed to do something. He tapped his combadge.

“Captain Chakotay to Captain Picard.”

_‘Picard here.’_

“The admiral is breathing but is still in danger. What is the status down there,” he used his anger to help him push through the words as he thought about her abusers.

 _“Our team and Junharian security have detained thirteen associated with the admiral’s kidnapping. Apparently there is old history with this so-called Crev species. Inform Admiral Nechayev that we have found the admiral and of our most current situation. Stay on the Enterprise for now. I will have more information to report in two hours.”_ Captain Picard replied back.

Chakotay responded, “I will contact Admiral Nechayev. Chakotay out.”


	6. Pacing

Chakotay approached the desktop monitor in his quarters and turned it on.

“Open a channel to Admiral Nechayev, Starfleet Command, urgent,” Chakotay ordered.

Nechayev appeared on screen. “Captain Chakotay,” she stated.

“Admiral, we have found Admiral Janeway. She is in critical condition. Thirteen of a species known as the Crev have been arrested in connection to her abduction. The Junhar government and the Enterprise away team are handling the situation on the planet. Captain Picard will have another in-depth report in two hours.”

“Very well. I will be expecting that report. Oh, and captain...make sure to clean yourself up before then. Nechayev out.”

Chakotay looked down at his uniform. He was wet and covered in blood. Kathryn’s blood. His hands shook a little while touching his uniform. He quickly took off his jacket, gathered some fresh clothes, and headed towards the sonic shower. 

…

The shower felt good. Although he felt clean, Chakotay could still feel the presence of Kathryn’s blood on his body. He wanted to rush back to sickbay but he knew that doing that may do no good. Chakotay couldn’t get the image of her broken body out of his mind. Kathryn had been tortured all right. He got dressed and picked up her soiled clothes to put in the cleaning processor. He took off this combadge and took out a wet... pocket watch.

**Approximately four years ago…**

_ “Happy birthday, Kathryn,” Chakotay said. They were in her quarters and had empty glasses of wine between them. He pulled out a wooden box with carvings and presented it to her. _

_ He added, “I wanted to wait until all of the hustle and the bustle of the day quieted down.” _

_ Kathryn smiled at him and took the box. She opened it and took out a silver pocket watch in her hand. _

_ “It’s beautiful,” she said as she inspected it. _

_ “Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It’s a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy. His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed, but eight months later Cray sailed his ship into London Harbor. THere wasn’t much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home.” _

_ She looked at the inscription on the back: _

_ Happy birthday, Kathryn. _

_ You will get us home _

_ and I will be there _

_ beside you, always. _

_ -Chakotay _

_ Kathryn smiled and blushed a little. He could tell it got to her and that she was trying to prevent tears from forming as she softly said, “Thank you, Chakotay.” _

…

He gathered both his combadge and the pocket watch, cleaned them, and returned the pocket watch to his pocket and the combadge to his chest.

Chakotay headed towards sickbay and went through the door. Dr. Crusher walked up to meet and stop him.

With a tired and apologetic expression, she said, “The admiral is in a coma and her breathing is stable. She had two broken ribs, interior bleeding, a broken right leg, multiple bruises and cuts, including cuts on each of her fingers. The admiral is also malnourished and severely dehydrated. We still have work ahead of us and you cannot visit just yet. We don’t know if or when she’ll wake up. She was without oxygen for awhile.”

Chakotay sighed with his hands on his hips and looked down.

“Captain,” Dr. Crusher placed a hand on his shoulder, “We will do everything we can for the admiral. She is in good hands.”

He swallowed hard and said, “Let me know as soon as you can when I can visit her.”

“I will,” she said.

…

He went to the bridge to see if any new information was provided by the away team. However, it was the same as before and he returned to his quarters. He was restless. Captain Picard told him to remain on the Enterprise. Picard knew he would want to stay with the admiral. After all, he was there for her. Picard had been part of introducing the Junhar to Starfleet and knew about how their government worked. Chakotay did not know as much about them. For diplomacy’s sake, Picard probably thought it was for the best. He might have thought Chakotay may want to bash the Crev’s heads in and he was probably right. Riker might have seen that look and gave Captain Picard the heads-up. 

His restlessness was turning into anger. He couldn’t focus on anything. Whenever he pulled up information he read the same paragraph over and over. He couldn’t focus. He was pacing. He decided to walk around the ship and burn off some of the anxiety.

…

By the time Chakotay was done walking around the ship it had been an hour-and-a-half since he was transported on board. 

The combadge called.

_ ‘Dr. Crusher to Captain Chakotay.’ _

His stomach caught in his throat. “Chakotay here.”

_ ‘You can visit the admiral now.’ _

“On my way.”

He walked as fast as he could to sickbay. Once he entered sickbay he slowly walked to her biobed. She had already been changed into her sickbay garb. Kathryn’s cuts and blood on her skin were gone. Her face was slightly sunken.

Chakotay gently brushed a stray strand of her hair back in place and squeezed her hand. He didn’t know what to say and just stood in silence for a while. 

“Kathryn,” he said, “Kathryn we need to talk when you wake up. Wake up soon.”

_ ‘Captain Picard to Captain Chakotay,’ _ his combadge announced.

“Chakotay here.”

_ ‘We have just returned to the Enterprise. Join us in the Briefing Room.’ _

“On my way,” he said and tapped the combadge off. He looked at Kathryn and said, “I’ll be back,” and left sickbay.

…

There was some new and substantial information. It happened to be that the Crev lived underground on the Junhar homeworld. Fifty years ago, they were at war with the Junhar. The war lasted five years. Most of the Crev left and a few hid behind. The Crev who stayed were becoming restless and uneasy with the Federation possibly recognizing their vessels and interfering with their long-planned retribution against the Junhar. There were seventeen ringleaders of the faction. In the meantime, Junhar negotiations with Starfleet have slowed to deal with the Crev and institute criminal proceedings.

After learning this information in the Briefing Room and that Starfleet was communicating with the Enterprise and the Junhar, Chakotay’s stomach began to growl loudly. He had not eaten since that morning due to the day’s events.

“I’m on my way to Ten Forwards to get some dinner and it sounds like your stomach is thinking the same. Care to join me?” Counselor Troi asked after the meeting was over.

“Sure,” he said and they walked towards Ten Forward.

“I believe this has been the first time you have been on the Enterprise, captain. What do you think about the ship?” she said.

“It is certainly larger than what I’m used to. It’s definitely a good walk,” he replied.

“It is! After my first year on the Enterprise I had to go down in my uniform size. However, chocolate ice cream seems to balance it out at times.”

“Ice cream is sounding pretty good right about now. Maybe some pistachio.”

“Pistachio?” she asked with a quizzical expression.

“Yes. I have it once in a while,” he said as they entered and sat down at the table in Ten Forward. “Even Kathryn gave me the same look. She prefers coffee ice cream…” he said before stopping and reflecting on his words.

They ordered their food and sat down.

“Commander Riker told me, was it, a pocket watch that you found on the Crev?”

Chakotay shifted uncomfortably in his seat and started eating. Then he said, “Yes.”

“Why did it capture your attention? How did you know what it was?”

“Well,” he tugged on his ear, “it was a birthday gift I gave to K-Admiral Janeway several years ago while we were aboard Voyager together. It has a chain that is an uncommon design today. He put his hand in his pocket, took it out, and looked at it before showing it to the counselor.

“It’s beautiful. Why a pocket watch, in particular?” she asked as they both continued to eat.

Chakotay told her the story behind it.

“I am surprised she didn't keep it on a shelf collecting dust. I thought it couldn’t be _the_ pocket watch but... I _just_ _knew_ ,” he said.

Troi replied, “Looks like it meant more to her than you realized.”

He looked down at his plate. “Yes, it appears so.”

Troi handed the pocket watch back to him.

“You need to tell her,” she said as she looked straight into his eyes.

Chakotay wanted to ask what it was she meant but her eyes let him know. 

‘Oh, yeah, she’s a Betazoid, too, She knows...’ he thought.

“I think it’s time for some ice cream,” Chakotay said, trying to steer away from that particular conversation.

…

Chakotay was relieved to be back in his quarters. He sat in the armchair and took out the pocket watch and felt the coolness of the face of the watch. Before he knew it, he was asleep in his chair.


	7. Sickbay

For the next few days, Chakotay helped Captain Picard in dealing with the Junhar and the Crev until some additional help from Starfleet arrived.

Kathryn opened her eyes to see blurry lights above her. After a few seconds she was able to clear the fogginess. She noticed someone standing nearby and squinted.

“Doctor?” she asked.

“Admiral, you’re awake! It’s Dr. Beverly Crusher. You are onboard the Enterprise.”

“The Enterprise? Under Captain Picard?”

“The one and only.”

“How long-,” Kathryn cut off her sentence when the sickbay door opened and she saw who had entered. Her jaw slacked a bit at the sight.

“Chakotay…,” she said in a hushed tone.

“Hello, Kathryn.”

Kathryn. Not Admiral Janeway, but Kathryn.

“Are you really here? On the Enterprise?”

“Just looking at my next command after Voyager,” she shrugged with a slight smirk.

Kathryn replied, “Not so fast, captain. I don’t think Captain Picard will give her away that easily.”

“Sorry, captain, I believe you heard the admiral,” Captain Picard stated as he and Commander Riker entered sickbay. ‘Good to see you are awake, admiral.”

“Good to see you, too, captain. You as well, Commander Riker. How long have I been here?” she asked.

“You’ve been on board for six days,” Picard answered.

“And...how long..have I been…,” Kathryn asked.

“Five weeks,” said Chakotay.

Kathryn let out a large sigh. She tried propping herself up on the biobed but it felt as though her body was being pulled down by three times the gravity. Her arms wobbled. She decided not to pursue it and closed her eyes. Her head was swimming and started to ache.

“Take it easy, admiral,” Riker said and he and Captain Picard left sickbay. 

She put her hands on the top of her forehead.

“How are you feeling?” said Dr. Crusher.

Kathryn took a moment to process first before speaking. “My head feels like a dizzying tornado right now.” she replied a bit queasily.

“This should help,” Dr. Crusher said and gave her a dose from the hypospray. 

She still kept her eyes closed. “Thank you, doctor. That feels much better.”

“Perhaps we should let her rest,” Dr. Crusher said to Chakotay.

“No. Let him stay,” she opened her eyes and tilted her head to the side and looked at him.

At the ensuing deafening silence, Dr. Crusher nodded and returned to her office to let them have some privacy. The atmosphere became quickly uncomfortable. 

“Chakotay, tell me. Tell me what happened,” she said.

Kathryn wanted to say, ‘...to us’ as well.

Chakotay told her that he was put on the search team and didn’t mention that he visited her at her home nor did he mention that he volunteered for the search team. He told her about the Crev and their issue with the Junhar and Starfleet. 

In reference to the Lettie, her friend she was supposed to visit, Kathryn said, “They killed her? How?”

Chakotay gulped and replied hesitantly, “They strangled her.”

Tears filled the brims of her eyes and she bit her lip.

“How long did you know her?” He asked.

“Since my second year at Starfleet Academy. Lettie was my roommate and my lab partner in our astrophysics class. The last time I saw her was before I received my assignment on Voyager,” she said softly.

“I’m sorry,” Chakotay replied.

She nodded her head. “I am not looking forward to filling out my report,” she said. “There is something you failed to mention...How did you know I was being held underground on Junhar homeworld?”

“Nothing gets past you. Well,... it turns out that one of the Crev had held onto one of your possessions you had with you on the transport shuttle.”

He put his hand in his pocket to retrieve the pocket watch and displayed it to Kathryn.

Kathryn took it and slightly blushed.

“Let’s just say I was very surprised when I saw it sticking out of that Crev’s pocket,” Chakotay said. Subtly, she said, “Gold would be more of their color,” with a straight face.

Chakotay smiled a little until he saw her eyes and face fade with bad memories of the Crev.

“Why did you carry the pocket watch with you?” he asked.

“I think you should go, Chakotay. I’m feeling tired. I’ll see you later,” she said.

Chakotay held a look at her eyes. He was hesitant because he knew Kathryn was avoiding the question but he let it be. He didn’t want to argue, especially in sickbay. “All right. I’ll see you soon,” Chakotay said and he left sickbay.

…

‘What would she have said?’ Chakotay thought, ‘That it’s just a watch? That she didn’t know she had it with her?’

Chakotay had to know and decided he would burn off some energy in the boxing ring on the holodeck.

…

Dr. Crusher told Kathryn that she would be discharged the next day if she didn’t have any problems pop up. After Chakotay left she ate and changed clothes. She didn’t want to be in the sickbay garb; a Starfleet shirt and pants were fine. Kathryn also started to record her debriefing report. She really did not want to but she needed to do something and she was still stuck in sickbay. There really wasn’t that much to tell. Only about her journey on the shuttle, that she was visiting a friend, and...her experiences with the Crev. 

She finished the report and asked for peace and quiet from everyone since Chakotay left. That wasn’t going to be difficult since it was 20:00 hours. Kathryn decided to take a look at the official report on the negotiations. After all, it was her project. Plus, she really needed to keep her mind from wandering and keep it busy right now. Kathryn didn’t want to find out what would happen if she didn’t try.

‘They will take me off of these negotiations and assign them to another admiral until a psychological evaluation. Most likely permanently due to my experience with the Crev,’ she thought. 

They would probably have her be an informant only if Starfleet was still willing to give her a role in the induction. Even so, knowing that it wasn’t likely, what will her next assignment be?

Kathryn felt tired again after only being awake for several hours. She was restless but was also afraid to go to sleep. She felt as if she did go to sleep that we would only awake to find out that this reality was a dream and that she was actually still being tortured by the Crev. 

“You look tired, admiral. You’ve been going through all of these reports for hours. You need to sleep. Your body had to adjust its circadian rhythm,” Dr. Crusher said.

She admitted, “You are right, doctor. Even though I am tired, I don’t think I can sleep.”

“I’ll give you a sedative to help you sleep,” she replied and gathered a nearby hypospray.

…

She was on a planet that seemed to be covered in ice. It looked familiar...but different...Tau Ceti Prime. A craft on the ice started to sink. Kathryn started to move but realized she was frozen in place. She couldn’t move or do anything about it. She knew her father and Justin were on it. She was being restrained somehow by some invisible force. The ice around her was starting to crack and she did everything she could to move but to no avail. Kathryn struggled and plunged into the icy water. She looked and could not see the ship in the water; it was too far down. She realized she could now move her arms and legs. The water stung her eyes and body as she swam up to the surface. Her chest was trying to abandon her lungs as freezing temperature made it even more difficult to hold onto her breath. By the time she reached the surface of the water it had turned to ice. 

‘No!’ she screamed in her head.

She looked around and tried to reach for a phaser but she had none. She clicked her combadge and started pounding on the ice with her firsts until she couldn’t pound anymore. 

…

Kathryn suddenly woke up with a start. She gasped for air and breathed in heavily. She was shaking as a result of the nightmare.

“It’s okay, it’s all right. You had a nightmare. You’re safe,” Nurse Ogawa said and patted her arm.

Once she stabilized her breathing Kathryn asked for the time.

“07:30,” Ogawa replied.

Kathryn decided that she might as well have some breakfast. When she finished, her combadge went off.

_ ‘Captain Picard to Admiral Janeway.’ _

“Yes, captain,” she responded.

_ ‘Please join me in my ready room when you are ready this morning.’ _

“I’ll be there in a few minutes, captain.”

…

Kathryn entered Captain Picard’s Ready Room.

“Hello, admiral,” Picard greeted her.

“Hello, captain.”

“Please, sit down,” he said and gestured to the couch. They sat down and he asked, “How are you doing?”

“I just want to get back to work,” Kathryn said.

“That was not what I asked,” Picard pointedly said.

Admiral Janeway said, “...Fine... I don’t know. I feel like I have been plopped down in the universe or that I’m in some alternate reality. I just need time to settle back into it, adjust.”

“I have been there, without a doubt,” Picard continued, “I read your report, with permission and orders of Admiral Paris. It looks like you went through a hell of a time. You, of course, know that you will have to see Counselor Troi as soon as possible.”

Kathryn tightened her grip on her knee at the knowledge he read the report. But it wasn’t confidential, it was just a report. Of course, Captain Picard would have to see it to continue talks with the Junhar. She wrote it as a report in the objective eyes of a scientist, not as a personal entry into her logs.

“Yes, I know,” she said with a slight frustration in her voice.

“You have an appointment with her at 08:30. But before I let you go, remember that you can talk with me at any time and that the Enterprise is also your home. It almost was once before, wasn’t it?,” Picard shared.

“Yes, I remember when you were planning on making me your first officer but by that time I already had a command position,” she smirked. 

“Yes, I was disappointed. I had a tough time before I decided upon Commander Riker.”

“Does Riker know that I was your first choice?”

“No, although he does know I did have a rough time choosing from the candidates.”

“Perhaps if he had less dates and did more studying it wouldn’t have been as tough of a choice,” she sassed.

“I won’t tell him if you won’t,” Picard sassed back.

“Agreed. You know, I would have accepted your offer.”

“Wouldn’t that have been something? Everything would have changed,” he said.

“Yes, it would have. Well, you said 08:30? I guess I should be going.”

“I will see you later, admiral.”


	8. Counselling

Counselor Deanna Troi was ready for Admiral Janeway when she entered. She could feel her apprehension as she stepped forth inside.

“Hello, Admiral Janeway. I’m Counselor Deanna Troi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Counselor Troi,” Kathryn said.

She knew Troi had been one of the counselors who helped Voyager’s crew upon return to Earth but Kathryn had not been assigned to her.

“How would you like me to address you? Sometimes the crew want to vary on whether they want to be addressed by their title or first name.”

“Kathryn or admiral are both fine in this case,” she replied.

“Sounds good. Would you like something to drink?” the counselor asked.

Kathryn’s mouth watered when she sat down and said, “Coffee, black, please.” 

Troi walked to the replicator and ordered the coffee and a drink of her own. She returned and handed Kathryn her coffee before joining her on the couch.

“Oh, you’ve got a great replicator.” she said as she took a sip of the coffee. “Either that, or I have been without coffee for too long.”

"Could be,” Troi said. “Did you have any trouble finding my office?”

“No, even though the Enterprise is definitely bigger than Voyager,” Kathryn said.

“Indeed. Just to let you know, this session and the next few confidential sessions are for debriefing purposes and to see if additional counseling may be needed in the future at my recommendation. I also need to let you know that these are required sessions and are necessary in order to return to duty. Of course, you can see me anytime you wish if something comes up that you want to talk about. Is that clear?” Troi stated.

“Yes, I understand,” Kathryn replied grudgingly.

“So, how are you today?”

Kathryn said, “I feel as though I've been tossed into an alternate reality. I’m just trying to sort out all of the pieces and everything I’ve missed.”

‘...since I’ve been gone,’ she thought.

“Understandable. What do you remember?”

“I had one week of leave left. I was going to spend it visiting an old friend from the Academy since our schedules never seemed to work out until then. I got on the shuttle as expected and was at least an hour into the trip...and that was it. I woke up in a white room and with whom I now know as the Crev. There were three of them, with sandy yellow-green skin and orange eyes.”

“What did they say to you at first?”

“Umm,” she paused, “I believe they told me they knew who I was and that the Junhar could not be part of the Federation. They would do anything to stop it….and that I’d never leave there.”

Kathryn drank some more of her coffee.

Troi asked, “Did they mention why they did not want the Junhar to join the Federation?”

“That was what was so odd. They refused to say why.”

“So what did they do?”

Kathryn looked down at the cup in her hand and stroked her thumb along its edge.

“They...tortured…. they tortured mercilessly,” Kathryn said and she looked up to continue, “with a strange calmness that was hard to describe but you could still feel the underlying anger that was fueling them.”

“Tell me about it,” Troi asked.

Kathryn did not want to but she knew she couldn’t get back to work if she didn’t.

She took in a breath.

“I was punched, kicked, stabbed, sliced, kicked, stabbed, burned, choked...and drowned. The only thing they wanted was to know where the signing of the treaty with the Federation was going to be held,” she quickly moved away from the subject of her torture.

“Did you tell them?” Troi asked.

Kathryn was a bit irritated because she knew Troi knew the answer to that. She had to have read the report.

‘Sometimes I think these questions are just to make sure we don’t change our stories,’ she thought but didn’t necessarily believe.

“I didn’t say anything at first. Then, when I started to realize that Starfleet may have thought I died, I needed to take matters into my own hands. I gave them a set of coordinates that would have hopefully caught Starfleet’s attention because it was an alternate location only known to a handful of Starfleet officials who were involved in the negotiations with the Junhar. It appeared that the Crev went there because they were furious that I gave them false coordinates,” Kathryn said.

“And what happened next?”

Kathryn gulped and responded with, “They retaliated,” and clamped her lips together. Her stomach started to tighten. Troi actually asked.

She added, “The only way they knew how. More torture.”

Troi nodded and said, “But this was more than it was before?”

Kathryn clenched her jaw and said in a husked voice, “It was rage. Pure rage. Like….an insanity. I knew immediately that I was...going to die.”

Her hand had tightened on her leg and she was rigid.

“What went through your mind then?” Troi continued.

“That it was too late to switch careers,” she sarcastically said.

Troi pushed on with, “What were you thinking about when you were in the water?” 

There was a pause.

“This session is over,” Kathryn snapped, stood up and left the office.

She walked quickly down the halls and found out from this ship’s computer where her quarters were. As soon as she made it there she ran to the refresher and promptly vomited.

…

Chakotay had finished reading the latest update on Voyager’s upgrade when his combadge went off.

_ Counselor Troi to Captain Chakotay.’ _

His eyes furrowed and said, “Chakotay here, counselor.”

_ 'Admiral Janeway abruptly ended our session. I think it would be helpful if she was near someone she knows well right now.’ _

“I understand. Thank you, counselor.”

But was that really him anymore?

“Computer, locate Admiral Janeway.”

‘Admiral Janeway is in her quarters.”

Chakotay made his way over. It was only a few quarters down.

He pressed the door chime, waited, and nothing happened. He pressed, again, getting anxious.

“Kathryn, it’s Chakotay. Open up.”

He waited and the door opened. When he stepped inside he found her sitting in an armchair with a cup sitting on the nearby table.

“Kathryn?” he said, concerned. She looked pale. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “Everything.  **Everything** is wrong.”

“Okay. Then let’s fix it,” Chakotay said.

Kathryn gave Chakotay an incredulous look.

“ _ Let’s _ fix it? The last time we talked was at least what, ten or so months ago? And then I leave a message, what, two months before this mess?!” Kathryn was yelling. “And nothing?! Now, all of sudden, you’re here!”

There was a loud silence. Chakotay looked down with his hands on his hips. He then looked up with furled lips and said, “Yes, but I am here now and there are some things we need to talk about. For example, I didn’t get here because I was ordered to. I visited your house after returning for Dorvan V after visiting Sekaya, instead of messaging you back first. Admiral Paris was there to greet me and said you had been declared missing. I  _ told _ him to put me on the search team.”

He paused and clenched his jaw while he continued to stand.

“I took your  _ body  _ out of the water,” his voice changed pitch, “and laid it upon the ground, Kathryn.” 

Chakotay stopped and Kathryn stared at him. 

“Kathryn, I’m sorry that I didn’t message you back. I don’t know what exactly happened to us since the ball. Don’t push me away now,” he said, “Why were you carrying the pocket watch I gave you on your trip?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kathryn said and did not meet his eyes.

Chakotay said, “It does to me.”

“I had it with me because.... I missed you. You are...or were...my best friend,” she said and then put her head against the headrest. 

‘Were? I still am..or still think I am,’ Chakotay thought.

“Everyone has moved on, established new careers, relationships, and families. Everyone is gone. Everyone I have spent seven years with, non-stop. I know I’m not the only one who has felt disassociated since we’ve returned, but...I am constantly questioning if I should be an admiral,” Kathryn said and looked out the window.

“Although I have my mother, sister, nephew, niece,...it isn’t enough. I was surrounded by people in Starfleet but I don’t _ feel  _ connected to anyone. I was just floating,” she said and her voice began to strain.

“When I was…,” she sighed thinking of her capture, “I didn’t know if anyone was looking or if my death was fabricated. I tried to find a way to escape but there was only one easy in and out and the room was constantly guarded. My last attempt I could think of were the coordinates. I thought it didn’t work and…,” Kathryn said before she couldn't finish the rest and broke into a sob.

Chakotay looked down at her hidden eyes and said, “I’ve missed you, too, Kathryn and you are still one of my best friends. I will always look for you.” 

Chakotay stood Kathryn up and gathered her into his arms. They stood and held onto each other in a strong embrace. When he ran his hand up and down her back Kathryn started to settle down.

"How about we have some lunch? I’ll get us something to eat while you wash up a little, hmm?” Chakotay soothed.

Kathryn nodded and went to wash her face. She looked down at the water and found that she couldn’t look at it. She looked at the mirror only, avoiding the stream of water. Kathryn realized she looked pale and pat her face to put some more color on her face. When she came out there were plates of food as well as drinks beside them.

“Looks good,” she said as she sat down at the table.

“Only the best for you,” said Chakotay as he sat down. “If I don't say so myself. Of course, it was with the replicator’s help this time,” he winked.

They ate and Kathryn remembered how they would have dinners, and sometimes lunch together, and just talk about what was going on around the ship. Now they only had a few things they could talk about and most of it was what she wanted to avoid.

“Like old times,” Chakotay said as if reading her thoughts.

Kathryn nodded even though she knew it was not like old times. So many things have changed since then.

...

“It was delicious,” she said.

Chakotay replied, “I bet, compared to what you have had recently.”

Kathryn stopped eating and stared down at her plate. She imagined the plate the Crev gave her every so many days of some kind of disgusting maggot-infested oatmeal. Chakotay saw her staring at her plate, expressionless.

“Yes,” Kathryn stated.

‘That was a stupid thing for me to say,’ Chakotay thought and he wanted to move on.

“Would you like some dessert or anything else?” he asked.

“No. Well, maybe some more of this…” she held up her glass.

Chakotay poured more of the drink and cleared the table except for their drinks. 

“You know, I've been tortured for a few days alongside admiral Paris by the Cardassians when I was just a first officer. But I had never experienced anything quite like what I’ve just been through. The last few weeks have been….” she said and waved her hand like a wand to finish the sentence for her. 

Chakotay was not prepared for that and started wondering if the drink had any alcohol content. No, no it did not, he made sure to keep her hydrated due to doctor’s orders.

“After all the years, I’ve had the same fears and they have never changed. My ship and crew being destroyed or left behind, giving up, being alone, and drowning….three out of four? I’m on a roll,” she said and watched the movement of the liquid in her glass.

He folded his lips over his teeth at her admissions and bitterness.

“The greatest fear is fear itself,” Chakotay said.

“That’s the same as feeling nothing. If you have experienced all fears, then you don’t care. If you don’t care anymore, there is no fear. Then there is no risk of excitement, no reason to live. With death, fear ends. Why do we fear death?” Kathryn said in a dark voice, still focused on the glass and the depths of understanding held within it.

If he wasn’t before, Chakotay was now extremely worried due to the words she was saying. He tried to put his hands on hers. She jerked violently and shot up from her seat in shock. A brief flash of the Crev slicing up her fingers and grabbing her hands to throw her onto the floor went through her mind. Her hands were shaking and she realized she was not in a white room, but in her quarters.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,” she said.

Chakotay stood up and walked around the table towards her. This time he held out his open hands for her to take, which she did.

“There’s nothing that you need to be sorry about. Look at me,” he said.

Kathryn raised her eyes to meet his.

“You are safe now. I will help you through this.”

She nodded and walked over to the couch.

“Tell me what you’ve been up to, Chakotay. I need to hear something besides my own thoughts,” Kathryn said.

“Okay. Well, in the first few months I visited some old friends from the Maquis and visited some cousins in Arizona. I’ve visited Tom and B’Elanna’s at least once a month. Miral hasn’t been letting them sleep much, so uncle Chakotay gets to relieve them a bit. Apparently, she likes the sound of my voice because she falls asleep instantly in my arms when she’s fussy.”

The thought of Miral asleep in Chakotay’s arms made Kathryn smile a little.

‘Oh, good. I’ve made her smile,’ he thought.

Kathryn thought, ‘His voice is so calming, I don’t doubt it for a second.’

“It’s interesting to see them as parents now. I visited Sekaya and her family. She has a boy and a girl, Thomas and Charlotte. They are bundles of energy and they make their uncle pretty tired. They are all doing fine. Sekaya has been working with groups who have been trying to relocate after the Dominion War. She found it ironic that I would be captaining the very ship that was hunting me down in the Badlands. Sekaya also said that I have changed...for the better. She said that I wasn’t arguing or debating everything anymore with her. Sekaya said I had a sense of calm about me. She was right. She usually  _ is _ and it can be annoying.”

He waited to see if Kathryn would say anything, then continued.

“Well, Voyager is only a few months away from being done with its refit. Thanks to our technology that we brought from the Delta Quadrant, we will have the first slipstream-like engine of its kind. You should come for a little tour when it’s all done.”

“If I can,” she replied, “Didn’t you make Tom your first officer?”

“Yes,” Chakotay said.

"Who would have guessed, huh?”

“Yes, who would’ve guessed?”

“I hope they replaced my replicator for your sake,”she smirked.

Chakotay laughed and said, “Of course. It was the first thing to be replaced. It was such a danger to the integrity of the ship that it was the number one priority.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they found some burnt pot roast in the manifolds!” she laughed out loud. Then she realized something.

Chakotay noticed and said, “What is it?”

“It’s just that it has been quite awhile since I had a laugh,” she said, “and it felt good.”

Chakotay smiled. “Why don’t we do something fun?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I think I have just the thing. However, we should probably wait until we have digested our dinner fully. Or…”

“That’ll be fine. How-,” she was cut off by a mechanical voice.

_ Incoming message from Admiral Paris,’ _ said the desktop monitor.

Kathryn sighed.

“Afterwards?” Chakotay said.

“Yes. I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

“See you soon,” he said and left her quarters.

…

Kathryn knew why the admiral was calling. It’s because she bolted out of counseling. She went over the desktop monitor, sat down, and activated the screen.

“Hello, admiral,” she said.

“Hello, Katie. I’ve been told about what happened today, I just wanted to check up on you, myself,” Owen Paris said. 

“I’m better now than I was earlier. It’s been a bit rough adjusting,” she said.

“I’d say that is an understatement, am I right?”

She looked down and that was all the response he needed.

Admiral Paris continued, “I’ve talked with Captain Picard. He will be the lead for the negotiations. You and Captain Chakotay may stay as long or as little as you wish on the Enterprise for now, understood? You may advise Captain Picard on any information but you are technically on leave and are still expected to maintain daily counseling, either on Earth or the Enterprise. We have some Starfleet officers on their way to help with the Junhar-Crev Situation. Your only job is to take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yes, sir,” she said.

“This is the only question I’ll ask about what happened right now is: Was it worse than our Cardassian experience?”

He was referring to the time both Admiral Paris and herself were tortured for the brief time they were held in a Cardassian prison over seventeen years ago.

She hesitated and answered, “Let’s just say, admiral, that...it was...beyond imagination.”

He nodded. “Make sure you rest and eat, or else Gretchen will come after the both of us,” he said with a smile.

“Yes, Owen. Oh, and admiral, I have a quick question before you go. How did Chakotay end up on the Enterprise?”

“He arrived at your house when we were looking for clues to your whereabouts. He requested to be on the search and wouldn’t take no as an answer. Pretty determined young man,” he answered, “Anything else before our next talk?”

“No, that’s all.”

“All right, until next time, Kathryn.”

“Until next time,” she echoed and the transmission ended.

She contacted Chakotay on the combadge.

_ ‘That was quick. Are you ready? _ ’ he asked.

“I feel like I need to rest for a bit. Half an hour?” she requested.

_ ‘Sure, see you in half an hour,’ _ he confirmed.


	9. Uneasy

She slept for a bit but unpleasant memories were still coming back and forth in waves. Kathryn decided to wash up again and change into casual attire because she was just too uncomfortable right now.

Before she knew it. Chakotay was at her door.

“So, what do you have planned?” she asked.

Chakotay said, “It’s a surprise. First, we need to go to holodeck 2,” and they started walking towards the holodeck.

He had also changed into casual civilian clothes.

“No hints?” she asked.

“None,whatsoever,” he said as they entered the turbolift. “Deck nine,” he said and the turbolift lurched into motion.

“Fine. As long as I’m not Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People,” she exaggerated and rolled her eyes.

“You sure?” he said with a wink.

“Ohhh, you!” she said as she gave his shoulder a little shove. The doors opened to Counselor Troi and Commander Riker standing in front of the turbolift.

“Admiral,” Riker nodded, “captain,” he said.

“Counselor, I’ll be at my session tomorrow for its entirety,” Kathryn stated.

“That sounds fine, admiral,” Troi said and walked towards the turbolift with Riker. As they entered the turbolift she asked, “Why don’t you two join us for dinner in Ten Forward? Say, 19:00?”

Chakotay and Kathryn looked at each other and nodded.

“See you there,” Troi said and the turbolift closed in front of them.

Kathryn and Chakotay continued walking towards the holodeck. 

“So you said we should have digested our food before this...so it must include a lot of movement,” she started to guess.

“Well, no need to guess anymore. We’re here,” Chakotay said.

When they entered the holodeck it was one the last things she expected. With an astonished look she said, “An amusement park?”

“Which ride do you want to go on first?” Chakotay asked with a grin, “There are bumper shuttles, roller coasters, a raft ride...,” as he pointed to the areas of the different rides.

“How about the roller coaster over there?” Kathryn pointed.

“Okay,” he said and they walked over.

“Do you want to be in the front, middle, or the back?”

“How about the back?”

“Sounds good.”

They got in line behind the holodeck characters in front of them. The lines narrowed into the aisles for the separate rows of the coaster. Chakotay was now closer to her because of the narrow rows, which made her slightly anxious.

“Looks like it’s our turn,” she said when the gated swiveled open and they sat down and put their restraints on. While tightening the seat restraint, their hands had brushed against each other at the same time. Thankfully, he couldn’t see the goosebumps that lifted on her arm.

“Sorry,” he said. “Definitely not a lot of room to work with.”

“That’s for certain,” she replied.

They rode the roller coaster and had a blast.

“How about bumper shuttles next?” Chakotay asked.

Kathryn replied, “Sure.”

Once they got in their separate cars, it was on. Kathryn and Chakotay tried to pin each other down.

“No fair!” Chakotay exclaimed when she turned her car around and pinned him in a triangle. He was able to escape and eventually pinned her before all of the cars stopped moving.

“Nuts!” she said and smiled in her defeat.

“Second round?” he asked mischievously.

“Maybe later,” she said.

“What’s next?” He asked.

“Follow me,” Kathryn said.

She led him to a carousel and hopped on a brown horse with a bridle covered in different colored jewels.

“Get on! Pick a horse,” she said.

He stood grudgingly.

“That’s an order,” she said.

Chakotay got on a nearby black horse that was angled behind her. He watched her for the entire ride and gazed at how beautiful she was. Kathryn would have to glance back once in a while to see him and he would just wave. In a way, it represented how their relationship was; he was the one chasing after her while she rode off into the Starfleet sunset. Chakotay now made this one of his favorite rides just for these very reasons. He was a bit disappointed when they left the ride when it stopped.

They decided to go on the rapids raft ride. 

During the ride, she told Chakotay “It’s getting a little more wet than I thought.”

“It looks like it depends which side of the raft you are on at the time,” he looked around.

The waves started smashing against the raft seemed to be getting more intense and so did Kathryn’s heartbeat and breathing. With the last dip, a wave of water rose up and slowly fell down in a sheet of water. Kathryn was completely focused on the sheet of water, seeing flashes of the grate from the water basin.

“Kathryn,” Chakotay asked, concerned. She remained looking forward, white as a sheet.

Chakotay grasped her arms and said, “Kathryn, the ride is over. You are safe, do you hear me? You are safe.” She broke herself out of the trance and looked at him. The ride had indeed ended and they were in the loading area. She didn’t remember the ride ending.

“Repeat my words. I am safe. Say it three times,”

“I...am safe...I am safe. I am safe,” she said, shakily.

Chakotay had put his hands on hers and she quickly had white knuckle grips on them. “Come on, let’s get off this raft,” he said.

They got up and exited the raft. Chakotay supported her with his right arm around her waist and with his left hand around hers, which clutched against her abdomen as they left the exit area. Chakotay sat Kathryn down on the closest bench and joined her.

“I’m sorry, I guess that wasn’t a good idea,” he said, still holding her hand.

“The ride was fine. I just wasn’t expecting the reaction I had..to the water. I thought of...,” she said softly, “I usually do enjoy rafting...”

“It looks like you need to close your eyes and clear your mind for a bit. Feel free to use my shoulder,” he offered.

Kathryn didn’t even realize she was still holding his hand and she didn’t think when she rested her head against his shoulder. Chakotay had a strong heartbeat, which felt soothing. Something about him smelled good but she didn’t know what it was. They remained that way for a few minutes in silence.

“Kathryn, why did you have the pocket watch with you on the shuttle?”

She didn’t move as she answered, “I missed you. I missed you always being next to me. With it, you were next to me, in a way.”

He didn’t say anything and she said, “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Seven?”

She still didn’t move her position so she didn’t have to look at him in his face when he answered.

“We had only started dating. We had a couple of dates. I didn’t think it was serious, and if it was going to be, I was going to tell when we were both on Voyager. Then we got to Earth and even before the ball it was getting complicated... and we ended it shortly after that.”

Kathryn wanted to feel angry but she was drained from her recent traumatic anxiety. It felt nice to have her head on his shoulder and his hands were big and warm. She didn’t respond to his answer and just drew in the sounds of the park.

“Are you feeling better?” Chakotay asked.

“Yes,” she answered.

Chakotay asked, “Computer, what time is it?”

_ ‘It is 18:00.’ _

“Do you want to end the program?” he said. 

She said, “No, let’s just walk around.”

“Computer, set a reminder alarm for...18:40.”

“Alarm set for 18:40.”

She looked at him in confusion.

“We don’t want to be late for our dinner with Counselor Troi and Commander Riker...unless you want to cancel.” 

“Oh...right. No, we can still go,” she said.

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said.

They stood up and started walking. “How about we walk over there?” she asked.

“Sure.”

They walked into an arboretum and separated to look around. Kathryn saw some orchids and thought of Tuvok’s prized orchids on Vulcan. She never imagined that a Vulcan would be interested in orchids. She thought about what Chakotay said about Seven. She wanted to ask more about their breakup, to know when they started dating, to know if the future Admiral Janeway told them anything, and to know why he couldn’t wait for her. He once said that they had plenty of time. She continued to look at the different plants and flowers.

‘I am an admiral and he’s a captain now. It’s not like the rank situation is any better...but I am no longer directly responsible for his life,’ she thought.

They ended up converging as an intersection of the arboretum. She looked at him with a quizzical look. 

“You had a little flying friend with you,” she said. On her toes, she reached on the top of his head and lifted the butterfly onto her finger. Shortly after, it flew away and fluttered around before landing on her shoulder.

“Looks like you are queen of the Butterfly People, too,” he jested.

Kathryn looked at the butterfly and said to it, “It’s good to be the queen!”

The butterfly’s wings reflected different colors as it flew off to a nearby plant.

“It looks like it’s trying to send a...what’s it called...a Morse Code message to its queen.”

“Oh?” she leaned towards the butterfly as if listening to it and said, “Interesting. Yes, I understand. Very well, I’ll tell him.”

Chakotay asked, “What did the butterfly say?”

“It doesn’t think you make a very good flower. Maybe in the future, though, with some nectar, you can improve as a flower.”

“Good advice,” he quirked.

“Let’s move on before my other subjects surround us,” Kathryn suggested.

They left the arboretum and walked towards the Ferris Wheel. They boarded one of the carriages and sat facing across from each other.

“Oh, good. These aren’t the swinging ones,” he sighed.

“You, too?” she said as it started to move.

“It makes me uneasy,” he answered and said, “You know what else makes me uneasy?”

“What?” she asked.

“That you haven’t said anything about Seven after you asked about us.”

“Why?” she said.

“It just seemed like you wanted to know more.”

“I just wanted you to know that you could have told me, whether or not I was your commanding officer. I was your friend….but I understand.”

Chakotay asked with a furrowed brow, “Understand what?”

“That it isn’t easy to be in a relationship with another crew member. Also, with all of the debriefings Voyager had after we returned.”

The Ferris Wheel had stopped at the top to let people on and off on the bottom.

Chakotay asked, “How did you find out? When did you know?”

“Does it matter? It happened and that’s it.”

“Yes, it does.”

They were still at the top and Kathryn was wishing it would move soon.

“I’ve known for awhile,” she said

“When? Who told you? You’re avoiding my questions.”

“On Voyager. I just had a feeling.”

“A feeling? Or did the future Admiral Janeway tell you?”

“Did she say anything to you?,” Kathryn asked, curious.

“I asked you first.”

“Wouldn’t that be a violation of the temporal prime directive?” she said coolly.

“Kathryn, stop!” he said sternly.

“Yes...she told me about the bridge crew and chief officers,” she said.

The Ferris Wheel moved again.

He implored, “Did what she say about the future change your mind about using her help to get home? Did she say Seven and I were together? If so, why didn’t you say anything?”

“For  _ one, _ Tuvok was already suffering from the neurological disease.  _ Two _ , it was a way home!  _ Three _ , it was to prevent major tragedies in the future. She did tell me about you two but not to gossip. My decision was not solely based completely on your relationship. It was to save lives, their lives, your lives. Your relationship was none of my business. I had many other things to think about at the time, anyway. If you were with her, good. If you were not, good. If you still want to be with her, good. You do whatever the  _ hell _ makes you happy. You are in charge of your future now. You are free from **_both_ ** admirals now, Chakotay.”

She called, “Computer, exit!”

The exit appeared and she stood up and briskly walked out of the holodeck.

…

Chakotay watched Kathryn leave the holodeck. He knew he had screwed it up. They were enjoying the rides and he had opened a can of worms. They still had thirty minutes until dinner. 

‘Will she even come?’ he thought.

When Seven told him about what the future Admiral Janeway had about Seven possibly dying and causing him pain, it bugged him because she had wanted to drop the relationship right away. The biggest grind for him was that the future admiral may have used Seven in order to prop up her own agenda in getting Voyager home.

‘But the admiral probably dropped it on Kathryn, too, without her asking if she wanted to know.  _ That _ Janeway was not Kathryn. It was not  _ her _ decision to get back home quickly. It was  **all** of ours,’ he thought as he walked into his quarters.

Even he didn’t know why he was pressing her about he and Seven’s relationship. Although the relationship was ended by both of them, was he seeking Kathryn’s belated approval or disapproval of its beginning?

…

Kathryn had finished working on her computer, clicked one last button, leaned back, and sighed. That was it. That was the end of her legacy. She decided to still go to the dinner.

…

Chakotay rang her door to go to dinner. He wasn’t sure if she would answer or go to the dinner at all. To his surprise, she came straight out and was ready to go, They started walking and got in the turbolift. He announced the destination before speaking. “I’m sorry, I was-”

“Not now, captain, not now,” she cut him off.

…

The dinner was civil and they both were covering up against the argument they had earlier. Half an hour in, a message came in for Kathryn.

_ ‘Commander Data to Admiral Janeway.’ _

She pressed the combadge, “Janeway here.”

_ ‘You have an urgent communication from an Admiral Paris.’ _

“Thank you, commander. Patch it to my quarters. Janeway out,” she said. “Excuse me,” she said to Riker, Troi, and Chakotay before leaving Ten Forward.

…

“Kathryn Janeway, always working, just like at the Academy,” Riker murmured as she left. “Anyways, we are going to have a jazz concert tomorrow, if either of you are interested. It’s drop-in and starts at 17:00. No uniforms. Casual attire. I’ll send a reminder to both of you.”

“Thanks. It sounds interesting,” Chakotay said.

“I’d like to speak to Captain Chakotay privately for a bit, Will,” Troi said.

“I’ll be talking to Geordi at the bar,” Riker said and walked towards his friend.

“So, how has she been doing?” Troi asked.

He leaned back in the chair and nursed his drink. “It’s been a mixed bag. Sometimes she’s the same as she always has been. There were a few times when she was depressed, reliving some of her trauma and anxiety. Water really triggers it. While we were in the holodeck we were having a good time for the most part.”

He thought, ‘I sort of spoiled it at the end,’ but didn’t say that.

“I see. It’s good that she has you to talk to after recent events. She needs the foundation, that familiarity, that trust to help her heal,” Troi responded.

_ Trust _ . That hit Chakotay like a brick.

Kathryn had always been asking and confirming Chakotay’s trust in her since they first met. Today, in her eyes, he felt that it may have been thrown into doubt.

Troi leaned and asked, “Why do you feel ashamed?”

‘Damn. Betazoid, of course, I forgot,’ he thought.

“I feel that I may have rocked that foundation today.”

“Just keep trying, captain,” she said and called Riker and Geordi to join them at the table.

…

Kathryn didn’t think that Admiral Paris would respond so quickly, but she forgot that he could be a night owl and that a response wouldn’t necessarily wait until morning.

“Katie, what is this about leaving the admiralty? It must be an error.”

“No, it’s not an error. I’m resigning,” Kathryn said bounty.

“Oh, Kathryn. I don’t just advise _ anyone _ to go into command. I saw it in you when you were serving with me as a scientist years ago. I am so proud of you. Please don’t throw your gift away. I’m sure your father would say the same.”

He continued after a breath, “I cannot accept this resignation. You are going through a lot of things right now-”

“-I,” she tried to interrupt.

“-so even though you may think you are thinking clearly, I will sit on this. If you still have not changed your mind after the dust has settled, we can talk about it. Rest on it. There’s no need to rush anything. Starfleet isn’t going anyone, you understand?”

She sighed and said, “Yes, admiral.”

“It’s getting late. No more quick life-altering decisions today from you, young lady. Make sure you get something to eat and get some sleep. Goodnight, Katie.”

“Goodnight, Owen,” she said his face turned off on the screen. She leaned back in her chair and let out a big sigh.

‘What am I even doing anymore?’ she thought.

Kathryn contacted Counselor Troi and let her know that she would not be returning to dinner because she needed to get some sleep and thanked her for the invitation to dinner.

…

After showering she crawled into bed. She was exhausted. It didn’t take long for her to start dreaming. Kathryn was floating deep in cold, icy water. She tried to swim to the surface but the cold restricted her movement and pierced her lungs. As soon as she approached the surface of the water, it froze over into crystal-clear ice. She sees members of the Enterprise crew first appear and leave. Next, members of Voyager’s crew peer down at her through the ice and leave. Justin and her father appeared and fell through the ice, which quickly re-sealed above them. Kathryn banged on the ice until her body gave in and she couldn’t hold her breath anymore.

Kathryn quickly sat up, gasping and coughing. Looking at her arms, she saw that she was in a cold sweat. She decided to change the sheets and put on some clothes.

“Computer, what time is it?”

_ ‘It is 22:00.’ _

She went to the armchair and curled up with a book. However, she ended up reading the same paragraph over and over again. Her mind was constantly reliving the nightmare, the fight from Chakotay, and the rest of the day’s events in her scattered mind.

…

“Admiral! How can I help you?” Dr. Crusher asked at Kathryn’s appearance in sickbay.

“I’m having trouble staying asleep. Do you have something that can help me fall asleep without dreams?”

Dr. Crusher walked over to her medical supplies and came back. “This will do it,” she gave Kathryn a hypospray.

“Can you let Counselor Troi know that I may be late tomorrow, in case I oversleep? And that we may have to reschedule the time for later?”

Dr. Crusher answered, “Absolutely. Go to your quarters, the hypospray will work soon. Goodnight, admiral.”

“Goodnight.”


	10. Complications

By the time she woke up and dressed it was 10:00 in the morning.

“Admiral Janeway to Counselor Troi.”

_ ‘Yes, admiral.’ _

“Is now a good time for our session?”

_ ‘Yes, come on in.’ _

…

“If there is anything you want to talk about first, we can talk about that first,” Troi said.

“The last thing you asked me during our last session was what I was thinking of when I was in the water tank.”

“Yes, it was,” Troi said.

“When... it was halfway full of water, I was wondering how I got from seven years in the Delta Quadrant into this situation. When it was three-fourths full, I thought of Justin, my former fiancé and my father drowning over twenty years ago. They drowned on Tau Ceti Prime. The last few inches as I clung to the grate, I knew, for  _ certain _ , I was going to die. The worst of all of it...the worst of all of it…” Kathryn struggled to get it out.

“...Is that even before...before my body betrayed me..” her eyes wallowed as her voice continued to falter, “...by forcing me to breathe...and..” she waved the rest of the sentence off. “I gave up. At the awful end...I gave up on it all. I didn’t fight,” she shook her head. “I have always fought to survive; to push on. Not this time…” Kathryn trailed off into her mind.

Kathryn was there in the bloodied water around her. Her sliced fingers stung as she clutched the grate. She heard a voice in the water.

“Kathryn. This is Counselor Troi. You are on the Enterprise with me. Breathe deeply and slowly.”

Kathryn felt her head and heart pound as her body shook. “I can’t. It hurts too much,” she said, forcing the words out. Her ribs ached and she felt nauseous.

“Talk to me!” Troi said. Kathryn didn’t respond.

…

"What happened?” Chakotay said as she entered through sickbay.

“She is suffering from post-traumatic stress. The admiral had a large anxiety attack during our counseling session,” Troi said.

“I gave her a strong sedative and some oxygen. She’s resting now,” said Dr. Crusher, “I am going to keep her here overnight.”

Chakotay sighed. ‘She’s going to hate waking up in sickbay,’ he thought.

He nodded. “I think now may be the time we go back home. I’m going to have a chat with the admirals and the captain.”

…

Chakotay had talked with Captain Picard and Admiral Paris and Nechayev. They had discussed how Admiral Janeway would not be needed to deal with the Crev-Junhar situation and that going back to Earth would be the best for her. A shuttle would meet with the Enterprise two days. Admiral Paris told them, Picard and Chakotay, that Admiral Janeway had planned to resign. 

Chakotay was upset.

He knew Kathryn sent that message after she left the holodeck yesterday. She did  **_say_ ** that he wouldn’t have to deal with any of the Admiral Janeways anymore, that he was free from both admirals. He was angry, flustered, disappointed, and perhaps somewhat guilty. Did he push her to resign? Why would she be so rash? Why would she throw it all away? She loved Starfleet. What did she plan to do if her resignation had been accepted? What would she gain from it? 

Well, for one, she wouldn’t be under the rules and regulations of Starfleet anymore. She wouldn’t be responsible for others anymore. She could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted to do it with.

‘Could she be doing it so that she and I...no. That would be selfish,’ he thought as he made his way to the holodeck.

‘She is doing it to end her suffering,’ he told himself. Once he got into the holodeck he put his boxing gloves on and Boothby approached him. Chakotay had carried the holodeck program on an isolinear chip with him in his bag.

Boothby said, “This guy is very good at defending his face but he’s off-balance. Watch how he shifts his weight on his feet.”

Chakotay lost the first round. Then the second. Boothby called him outside of the ring.

“What’s going on, son? I told you to watch his balance!” Boothby barked.

“I was distracted,” Chakotay replied.

“No kidding.”

Chakotay took off his mouthpiece and gloves.

Boothby asked, “What is on your mind? Don’t tell me it’s a woman.”

“Well, yes. Yes, it is about a woman.”

“Do you love her?”

Chakotay sat down on a bench and said, “It’s...complicated.”

“No, it’s not complicated, It’s a yes or no answer. The situation can be messy, but loving someone is clear. So, is it a yes or a no?”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. So, do you love her?”

“Yes, I love her.”

“So, what’s the issue? She doesn’t love you back?”

“It’s hard to tell if she does. With her job, she isn’t really allowed complete freedom to date who she wants. It can affect her career.”

“Is she in Starfleet?”

“Yes.”

“So, it can work. Is that it? Is that all?”

“She’s...had relationships in which circumstances have ended them in disasters. She’s also been through some bad trauma recently. I think that part of the trauma has emerged from being reminded of the tragedy of one of those relationships.”

“That is the complication? Traumatic relationships?”

“She has attempted to quit her position and I feel like that it is my fault, at least in part.”

“Is she leaving her job to be with you?”

“I...I haven’t even really considered it. But no, and if so, it’s a small part of it, I think.”

“Why do you think you may have been part of that decision?”

“Well, we sort of had an argument...I kind of pressured her with questions in which I may have...I was...blaming her and a future version of herself for things that may or may not have happened.”

“That’s very confusing,” Boothby said.

“It’s a temporal prime directive sort of situation.”

“Ohhhh. So you were arguing with her about something she couldn't control?”

Chakotay felt sheepish at that.

“Yes, in a way. But once she knew the information, some decisions were entirely hers.”

“Isn’t that a bit unfair? No matter what she would decide, it would or could drastically affect the future and past. That is a lot of responsibility for one person.”

Chakotay felt shame; incredible shame. He nodded. “Yes,” he said softly, “Yes, it is.”

“Did you apologize?”

“No, not yet.”

“Have you told her how you felt?”

“Not directly.”

“Have you asked how she felt about you?”

“I was trying to get her to, but no.”

“ **_Son_ ** . So you’re telling me you can captain a ship but you cannot ask her questions or tell her things that can get rid of these distractions or, ‘complications’?”

Chakotay tugged at his ear and said, “You’ve got me.”

Boothby barker, “So what  **_are_ ** you doing here? Take care of business. Come back when it’s done.”

“Thanks, Boothby,” Chakotay said and walked towards the door and swore he heard the holographic Boothby mutter, “Birdbrain,” as he left the holodeck. He went to check on Kathryn after cleaning up but she was still sedated.

….

**Very late that same evening.**

Kathryn Janeway woke up very, very groggy.

“What happened?” she asked.

“You had a very strong anxiety attack with Counselor Troi. We had to sedate you,” said Nurse Ogawa.

“I’ll head back to my quarters,” she said as she tried to sit up.

“Dr. Crusher said you are to stay here overnight. Her orders.”

Kathryn pressed a hand to her chest and said, “Actually, my chest does feel a little tight.”

The nurse took a look and told her it was just some soreness and that it should pass. Kathryn ended up falling back asleep for the rest of the night.


	11. Confessions

Kathryn was discharged in the morning. Captain Picard visited her quarters a few hours later. He went over how a shuttlecraft would come in forty-eight hours to return Chakotay and herself back to San Francisco. She agreed and went to the counselor’s office for a session.

“So, what have you been doing during your free time on Earth?” Troi asked.

“Well, I’ve been reading some books. Some poetry. I have also attempted some gardening at my vacation cabin.”

“Any particular flowers or plants?”

“Umm, there are some rose bushes in the front yard and backyard. I planted some hydrangeas and some plumbago in the backyard. I am still adding flowers and bushes. I just need to figure out how I want the new footpath to go.”

Troi said, “Maybe it doesn’t need to go in just one direction.”

“True, but I didn’t say  **_where_ ** . I said  _ how _ ,” said Kathryn.

“Yet they are reliant on each other, are they not? You cannot know one with the other.”

Kathryn said pointedly, “ _ Where _ implies there is a destination, an end. The other can continue forever until it can no longer continue.”

“Have we been reading books on philosophy, by chance?”

Kathryn raised her eyes to hers and said, “Maybe I’ve been thinking too much.”

“Have you seen anyone from the Voyager crew, friends, or family while you were recently on leave?”

“I visited my mother and my sister’s family. I have messaged Tuvok on Vulcan to see how his health was. I haven’t seen anyone else in awhile.”

“How long?”

“How long? The Paris’...three months. Others...longer. Of course, I was to have met one of my old Starfleet Academy friends before I ended up here.”

“Why so long?”

“I don’t know. I have been occupied as an admiral.”

“Have you been in any relationships since you’ve been back in the Alpha Quadrant?”

Kathryn cleared her throat and said, “No.”

“Has anyone asked you out on a date?”

She rubbed her head. “I have had offers and I have had people trying to set me up. That was when I was seen as some kind of amazing person because I made it back from the Delta Quadrant and looked like some kind of damned hero. None of them were really serious about it.”

“What if there was someone who was?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve been engaged twice. Practically a widow once... when first my fiancé drowned in an accident. My second married another when I was gone on Voyager. I don’t necessarily think the third time’s the charm or lucky. I’m not quite sure anyone is going to readily jump at the chance with that knowledge. At my age and with my position…”

“Anything is possible,” Troi said.

Then, like a hammer, Troi struck. “How was the holodeck with Captain Chakotay? You didn’t get to tell us what you did.”

‘Is this a coincidence that she said this right after the relationship questions?’ Kathryn wondered.

“It was...fun. We went on some amusement park rides.”

“Ahhh. Hopefully, nothing that spun? I know those rides make me sick.” 

“We went on a rollercoaster, bumper shuttles, the carousel, a raft ride, a Ferris Wheel, and just walked around.”

“Why do I get a feeling that something happened there that wasn’t fun for you?”

Kathryn brushed her neck. “I did get a reminder about being tortured at the end of the raft ride.” Hopefully, she wouldn't have to talk about what happened on the Ferris Wheel. 

“You had an anxiety attack? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I had just gotten out of sickbay. Besides, it didn’t last that long,” Kathryn shrugged.

“At least Chakotay was there with you at that moment. He should know you pretty well.”

“Yes, I guess so.”

….

Chakotay was turning around a corner on the way to his quarters when he bumped into her.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she echoed.

They both tried to talk first but they ended up talking at the same time in a jumbled mess. Finally, he started first.

“Did you rest well?” Chakotay asked.

“Yes, I did. Thank you.”

Chakotay nodded. “Good. Were you told about leaving for Earth? Is that fine with you?”

“Yes, I’ve been told. It’s fine with me.”

“Good,” he said awkwardly, feeling like a broken record. “I...I need to talk with you, and not  **_at_ ** you. That is, if you’re not busy at the moment.”

“I am not busy right now. My quarters are the closest,” she said as they walked into her quarters.

“I’m going to get something to drink. Would you like anything?”

“Just a glass of water,” he said, “Although, I wish I could have something stronger.”

“Computer, two water. Four degrees Celsius.”

She brought the glass to him and invited him to have a seat by the window.

They sat and Chakotay waited on his words before speaking. “I am sorry. I am so very sorry. I hounded you; I basically barraged you with questions. I became an interrogator, of sorts. That was unfair, especially considering the circumstances. I didn’t mean to, but later I realized I seemed, and I believe I was, accusatory towards you. I will explain but first...first I need you to forgive me before I say anything else. You didn’t deserve that and I’m not sure I deserve your forgiveness.”

A pause.

“I do forgive you. It’s almost impossible not to. Especially since I brushed you off for all that you did,” Kathryn said.

“Thank you, Kathryn,” he said, drank some water, and set the glass down. “I’ll explain myself. I will not ask questions. I do not expect you to say anything, I only ask that you hear me out and I’ll try to be as clear as possible,” he said and tugged his ear.

She nodded.

“It was when the future Admiral Janeway came to Voyager at a time when you were still trying to be convinced to use her technology to get through Borg space. She told Seven about how Seven would cause me great suffering by what seemed may have been her death. She seemed to know, as you know now, that we were together, for at least two weeks. I questioned the admiral’s intentions because of  _ when _ she told Seven this information. I also didn’t want myself to be the change in a decision that would affect everyone. Yet, I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t know how much she told you about the future. I also wasn’t ready to tell you about our relationship. I didn’t know if you knew at the time. Even if you didn’t know when we returned to Earth, it was all pointless when Seven eventually gave us away at the ball when she cut in rather rudely during our dance. When you left me a message about catching up, before you disappeared, I didn’t know what to say. I was still thinking of all of those things I have just mentioned,” he said.

Kathryn was still listening to his words, not saying anything.

Chakotay continued. “I said there was plenty of time for a relationship on Voyager. At one time, that may have seemed to be the case. Time is a terrible thing to waste and I refuse to allow any more time to continue before saying what I need to say. The fact is this: I am in love with you, Kathryn. I think I have known it for a long time. The pocket watch gave me some hope that you may feel the same way.”

He took out a red and yellow colored rose from under his jacket and gave it to her.

“If you do not have the same feelings, treat this as a flower from a friend who is thankful for your forgiveness. If you do share the same feelings, treat it as a symbol of my love and affection for you.”

Kathryn wasn’t saying anything and her expression was steady.

“Well, I’ve come here and told you what I needed to say.” He slapped his hands on his knees before he stood up and left.

…

Kathryn sat in silence while staring at the rose in her hand. She twirled the stem in her hand as she thought. She didn’t know if she ever expected it to happen. She found it odd that Chakotay left afterwards but he could be soft spoken, even shy, at times. 

The ball was in her court and Kathryn had a decision to make.

…

Chakotay splashed water on his face. His heart was racing after professing his feelings for Kathryn. He dried his face and replicated a glass of water to quickly down. He didn’t expect or plan to leave her quarters after he gave her the rose. However, he couldn’t stay in the thickness of doubt and uncertainty. Maybe he didn’t want a rushed answer. Maybe he didn’t want her to feel pressured with his presence. Maybe....His door chimed and his heart leapt into his throat.

“Come in,” he croaked.

Kathryn entered his quarters and Chakotay had trouble reading her face. 

“When I found out at the ball...that what the admiral said was true about you being with Seven...I did get a bit jealous...and I was surprised and confused that it would be her, of all people. So, yes, the admiral did tell me. I told myself that maybe it was supposed to be. After all, you were together in her timeline...As to my thinking on her attempt to win my favor, in going with her plan….your relationship was not in my top two concerns. They were Tuvok’s illness and getting a cure as well as getting Voyager home as quickly as possible without causing more casualties. Both you and Seven’s fates and emotional well-being were probably fourth because of Miral’s birth. After all, ‘The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.’”

She paused and continued, “ If you are wondering about the admiral’s intention...I do believe she wanted to stop seeing her crew suffer and wanted them to have better and happier lives. It was atonement for what she, and I, have done to get Voyager stuck in the Delta Quadrant. So, that’s it about her,” she said and gave a brief break before speaking again. However, her tone switched from a strictly factual one to a softer one. She slightly bowed her head and spoke to the rose.

“It’s….it’s an awful thing, being lonely. Each major relationship I had ended up as a story you might find in Russian literature. I’ve had to force myself into my own exile to protect myself and others around me. I did have feelings for you and I buried them within. I still have feelings for you, Chakotay.”

The air was thick.

“So,” Chakotay stepped closer with sparkling eyes, “I can only think of one good solution to our conundrum. It’s called a date and I am asking you, Kathryn, to join me on one. What do you say?”

She lifted her eyes onto his. “I say yes to a date.”

“There’s a jazz concert tonight at 17:00. Then we can have dinner and go to the holodeck. No amusement park this time.”

“That sounds nice.”

He took her hands in his and brought them towards his chest and looked at her deeply.

“This can be as subtle or discreet as you wish it to be. I just want you to be comfortable.”


	12. The Date

The jazz concert was pleasant. The two of them walked towards the holodeck with her hand holding onto his arm.

‘I haven’t listened to jazz in a while. Will Riker sure does love to play that trombone,” she said.

“True. I prefer listening to more trumpet in jazz music. I think it makes a difference in the experience.”

“What was with everyone calling for him to play, ‘Night Bird’?”

“At dinner the other night, Counselor Troi said it was a solo trombone piece Riker could never finish,” Chakotay replied, “and now it’s something of an inside joke, apparently.”

She smiled and they approached the holodeck in their civilian clothes.

“I wonder what you have in store for us in there,”

“You’ll see.”

“The doors opened and she was floored by what she saw and let go of his arm.

There were trees, grass, plants, and an all-too familiar shelter from New Earth.

“Is...is this what I think it is?” she stood with her mouth agape.

“Yes,” he said and reached his hand out to her. Kathryn took it and he walked her further in.

“You made all of this?”

“Yes, but not all at once.”

“I’ve made a few additions, though,” and he nodded to two Anirondack chairs with pillows next to the lake. 

“When…?”

“In the Delta Quadrant.”

They walked over and sat in the chairs. 

“Perfect timing,” he said. In front of them the sun began to set, casting a strewn array or colors across the sky.

“If we were at my cabin there would be a fire pit here,” she said.

“Maybe even with some marshmallows and hot chocolate with whipped cream.”

“Or coffee and wine.”

"We have those on board.”

“We do, and we haven’t had dinner yet, either.”

…

After they watched the sunset they went to her quarters and ate dinner. Kathryn and Chakotay were just talking by the couch when her door chimed. She panicked a little inside but then realized that it wouldn’t look odd that two friends were just talking over a drink.

“Come in.”

“Hello, admiral, captain. Excuse me for the interruption. Admiral, before you leave the day after tomorrow, Kahrem asked if you could visit the surface and verify the identity of the Crev who had held you captive. You will not be required to do anything else because the deposition is enough. There already is enough evidence to prosecute all of the Crev involved in the prevention of the Junhar-Federation alliance. He just is confirming these were the three who were directly involved in your...torture,” Captain Picard said.

“Yes, I will verify them,” she replied.

“”Very well. 12:00 tomorrow?

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there as well. We’ll meet at transporter pad 1, then. Goodnight to you both.”

“Goodnight,” they both said.

Picard nodded and left her quarters.

Kathryn left out a big sigh and didn’t realize she had been holding it in. Reality can hit like a rock.

Chakotay noticed and said, “Do you think you are up to it?”

“I have to be,” she replied.

“No, no, you don’t,” he said and shifted in his seat. “It was a request, not an order. They have enough evidence. It’s only been a few days. You’re the admiral.”

“I  _ need _ to do it, Chakotay,” she placed her hand on the one he just placed on her thigh.

“Okay, then.”

“Do you want some more wine?” she asked.

“No, I think I’m good.”

She stood up and placed the wine glasses in the recycler and sat back down.

“You go from one to ten real fast,” he said.

“Huh?” She replied.

“You were calm and relaxed a minute ago and now you have your strings hardwired to a T.”

“Oh.”

“Yep. Maybe you do need more wine or…” he said in a silky voice as he stood up and walked towards her, “a massage.” Chakotay placed his hands on her shoulder.

Kathryn jumped up with a stricken and panicked look on her face. She felt her fists tightly clench and shake at her sides.

Chakotay began to say nervously, “What’s wrong? Did I-”

Kathryn shook her head. “I just reacted instinctively. I think it was because I couldn’t see what you were doing. I think it’s because of, well, you know…I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I understand. Maybe it’s time to say goodnight,” he said.

“You don’t need to go just yet. Maybe if I can just see what you’re doing it will be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded and sat back down to face him.

As if she was a China doll, Chakotay slowly put his hands on her shoulders to massage her from the front. Their eyes avoided each other’s gaze until they caught each other’s eyes. Chakotay’s heart started to pound.

…

Kathryn looked into his eyes and couldn’t tear away from them. She felt the intensity of their gaze upon one another.

‘Would we be rushing things if we…’ she thought. She had done it in so long. Before she knew it, they were both leaning their faces closer to each other. Kathryn could feel the warmth of his scent of wine on his breath as their lips pressed together. Chakotay’s lips were warm and soft against hers. There was a brief pause. She opened her lips slightly and pressed into him, reassuring him that she wanted to continue. Kathryn’s mouth and lips folded over his. His hands slowly made their way up to cradle her neck and chin, sparking energy within her. She clutched onto his charcoal jacket and started to remove it from his chest. Chakotay took it off and tossed it aside. Kathryn took the combadge off of her blouse and tossed it on the table before leaning back slightly on the couch. He accepted her invitation and their mouths were once again hot and heavy. She couldn’t even think. Her mind was going in a million different different directions. It felt good and she was wondering if she was willing to go further tonight. The intensity was so thick between them.

Chakotay seemed to be thinking the same thing as he said, “Kathryn, if we are going too fast, let me know. We don’t need to go any further than this tonight if that is what you want. I will go as far as you want me to go.”

“I don’t know about fast but I definitely don’t want to stop now. Even if it takes us to…” she said.

“...the bedroom?” he clarified.

“Yes. Let’s see where the night takes us.”

He loosened the hair from her clip and let her grown-out tresses fall down and he glided his fingers in them. As they pressed their bodies together, she drew her hand behind his head as well. Kathryn slipped her hand under his green tunic and placed her hand onto his chest. Chakotay lifted his shirt off with her help, then worked her peach blouse off as well. He stood up and pulled her up with him. Their hands roamed and searched each other’s bodies. Kathryn and Chakotay were intertwined while they travelled to the bedroom. They stripped to their underwear and Chakotay laid her down on the bed.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He unhooked Kathryn’s bra and slowly removed it and set it aside. Their mouths engulfed each other as they made out. Chakotay caressed her breasts, causing her to moan. Kathryn’s hands slid down his chest and around to his lower back. His hands slid down, down pulling her panties with them. He repositioned in order to remove them as well as his own. Chakotay regained her position over her and looked into her eyes as he entered her. Her body shuddered and relaxed when he let her body condition to his length. They pressed deeper into each other, gripping each other. It became difficult to keep kissing with their breaths becoming heavy, louder, and faster. He grabbed her ass and pressed her tighter against him. As Chakotay started to thrust faster she gasped and tilted her head back on the pillow. She couldn't think; her mind was static. They both thrusted intensely, their sweat casting a gleam off of their bodies, her back arching. The screeching climax was both exhilarating and tiring as they said each other’s names. They stopped moving, trying to catch their breath, Kathryn and Chakotay looked at each other and smiled as he rolled over onto his back.

She giggled and said, “I can’t believe we just did this on Picard’s ship. It feels naughty.”

Chakotay grinned mischievously. “I need to warn you…,” he said breathlessly, his chest rising and falling rapidly, “I’m not a one-night stand kind of guy. He looked at her and winked. She laughed and playfully nudged him.

“In that case, I’ll need to do some stretching exercises,” she said with a smile.

…

Chakotay was asleep when he felt shaking and heard gasps and cries. He looked at where it was coming from. It came from the woman who was in his arms.

“Kathryn, Kathryn, it’s okay. You’re having a nightmare,” he said as he stroked her arm.

“Chakotay,” she cried, still asleep.

“It’s okay. I’m here,” he soothed.

“I’m sorry, I can’t…” she said, sobbing in her sleep and still shaking.

“Kathryn?”

Kathryn continued to sleep and eventually she calmed back down.

He wiped away the tears from the side of her cheek and propped himself a little to kiss her cheeks. A strand of her hair was on her face and he gently brushed it aside. Kathryn’s skin felt so soft and warm as his fingers slid back down her naked back under the sheets. His arm reset back to its original holding position and he gradually fell back to sleep.


	13. Facing the Music

Kathryn opened her eyes. The sheets and the arm that rested around her were comfortable. She wasn’t sure if he would be there in the morning and she was glad it wasn’t imagined. Kathryn didn’t know how she would feel about what occurred last night when she woke up. Would she have done it with him if they were on Earth? If she had not been kidnapped and tortured? How would she feel when they got back to Earth tomorrow? She shifted and rolled over, facing him. He was awake with his dark brown eyes meeting hers.

“Good morning,” Chakotay warmly said.

“Good morning,” Kathryn replied.

“How did you sleep?” he asked, wondering if she would remember or say something.

“All right. Probably feeling a bit tired, still.”

“You had a nightmare last night.”

“I did? I don’t remember it.” At that moment, she was telling the truth.

“I remember everything about last night,” he said as his eyes twinkled and his dimples creased.

She blushed. “Me,too.”

Even though she had rotated to face him earlier, he still had his arm draped over her. Chakotay moved his hand and gently pressed his hand against her lower back. She took a quick breath and sighed with content. He pressed their naked bodies closer and whispered in her ear, “You are so beautiful.” He then looked back into her eyes.

“I’ll make us some breakfast and you can take a shower while I prepare it, hmm? He offered.

Kathryn nodded and said, “Okay.”

As he got out of bed, Kathryn got to look at his tan muscles and all while he put on his underwear. She gathered the sheet around her and got up. She took some clothes out of her drawers before heading towards the shower.

…

Chakotay recycled his clothes and got a fresh set from the replicator. He changed into them except for his jacket and shoes. He wanted her again when she awoke this morning. However, he knew how Kathryn could hold back and reign in her emotions and honestly, he didn’t want to be quickly rejected. 

‘You’ve captured my heart,’ he thought as he put breakfast together.

…

She joined him at the table. Chakotay pulled out a chair for her and she slid in. Pancakes, toast, and strawberries were set in front of her.

“Strawberries! Those sound good.”

He smiled and drank his tea. “So how about our next date?” he said as he set the cup down.

Kathryn basfully smiled and blushed. “Well,” she said as she took a sip of coffee and held it in her hand, “you did pass the coffee test. It would also be a shame to deny a man who can’t just do one-night stands.” She set her coffee down and said, “I guess….we can go out on another date.”

Chakotay’s heart fluttered and flipped. She wasn’t changing her mind or backing away. He said and pointed with his fork, “Tonight. You choose what it is this time.”

“Okay, I have an idea. You’ll see,” she teased and popped a strawberry into her mouth.

….

A uniformed Admiral Janeway met Captain Picard at the transporter room.

“Are you ready, admiral?” Captain Picard asked.

“Yes, captain,” she stated.

“Energize,” he ordered the transporter crew.

Once they beamed down they both emerged in front of the building they were to enter.

“Welcome, Admiral Janeway and Captain Picard. Nice to see you again,” Kahrem, the leader of Junhar, stated. “If you will,” he said as he gestured towards the inside of the building. He led them towards where they were holding the Crev.

“Here are the ones we arrested in the immediate vicinity you were being held in, admiral. Do you recognize them?” Kahrem gestured to the Crev behind the barrier between them.

Admiral Janeway took a step forward. They could see her and she could see them and hear them. Her heart rate started to pound. One was sitting and the other three were standing. She first looked at the Crev who was standing on the left. This Crev had a mark on his chin and was shorter than the others. “I do not recognize this Crev,” she indicated to them and Kahrem nodded.

The next one was sitting down and was avoiding her gaze but she could tell who it was. This Crev had a darker green and yellow complexion. “This one had given me some compassion and was the temporary reliever guard. He was not a participant in the abuses taken against me.”

“Hej,” Kahrem talked to the Crev, “What can you say about that? What did you do to show compassion?”

Hej replied without looking up, “I...I gave her food and drink...and I also told her I didn’t believe she was a bad person.”

Kahrem looked at the admiral to confirm his words and she gave a nod and said, “He spoke the truth.”

“Very well,” Kahrem said.

The next Crev, who was standing, had an off-stance about him.

“ **Walk** ,” the admiral ordered the Crev.

He hesitated, then walked. She closed her eyes. There he was.The loud footsteps. Mr. Loud Footsteps. “This one was a handler and also security in the room I was in.” She could feel his hands on her neck even though he was feet away. He subconsciously placed her own hands on her neck. “He was directly involved.” Kahrem nodded.

She looked at the last Crev in the cell, standing and staring fiercely at her with pure rage. Admiral Janeway stared at the Crev. A knot formed in her stomach and her neck started to pulse. She remembered the suffering this Crev had imparted on her.

“Here is our interrogator who  **_relishes_ ** torture,” she her command voice say.

“It was _ easy _ ,” Mr. Loud Voice replied.

“I’m sure ** _it_** was easy. But **_I_** wasn’t. You lost when I died. You lost even now that I’m alive. You lost in your revenge and hated. **You** _lost_.”

With that, Admiral Janeway walked out of the room. Once she was outside the building she turned the corner and braced herself against a wall to vomit. Not long afterwards, Captain Picard and Kahrem caught up with her.

“Admiral, are you all right?” said a concerned Picard. She nodded.

Kahrem looked at the admiral and said, “Admiral Janeway, thank you. It is a shame that you had to do this at all. We, Junhar, cannot wait to join the United Federation of Planets and work with Starfleet to do so. You, as well as anyone on the Enterprise and nearby Starfleet vessels, are welcome to visit our grounds on our planet at any time. Despite what has happened and regardless of what happens in our negotiations with the Federation, you are always welcome here.” He then bowed and returned to the building.

Picard looked at Janeway and noticed that she turned pale and rigid.

“Admiral,” he said and held onto her arms to give her some support, “we need to get you back to the ship.”

…

“We should go to sickbay,” Picard said when they beamed onto the ship.

“No...I just want to go back to my quarters.”

“I understand. Only if I join you as an old friend.”

“All right, captain.”

When she reached her quarters she collapsed into one of the chairs. Picard got a glass of water and gave it to her. She drank some of it and sighed with her eyes closed.

“I’m not a counselor but I have been tortured as well..and I know this isn’t your first time. You were with me when I was recovering from the time with the Borg. You are my friend. I am not your judge. What do you see in your mind now?”

“I am in a white room. I am on the floor. I have been beaten, my legs have been broken, my ribs kicked, and my head has already hit the floor. One of the Crev was slicing the middle of each of my fingers with his dagger and made some other cuts along my arms and legs. I see his eyes…” She takes a break and drinks the water from her shaky hands.

She continued, “...full of pure rage, hate, and death. I know it’s going to be the end soon. I am being dragged over to an empty basin with a metal gate. The pain is intolerable.”

It is getting harder for her to continue.

“I’m thrown in and the grate slams closed. Water starts to rush in.”

Kathryn’s voice begins to stain and Picard gets her another water.

“This is where I will die. I see bloody water surrounding me and my sliced fingers can barely hold onto the grate. I can’t sit or stand. I see...I see..my father and my fiance drowning on Tau Ceti Prime.” Tears stream down her face.

“I feel...ashamed,” she said.

‘Guilty,’ she thought.

Picard asked, “Why?”

She couldn’t speak anymore.

Picard spoke, “Captain to former captain: As a captain, which I believe you feel you still are-albeit grounded, there are some things we feel must be absolute. Such as the beliefs that you must always push forwards and onwards, the belief in no surrender, that your crew will always be with you and that you are their protector. When I had been tortured by the Cardassians I admitted to Counselor Troi that I felt ashamed that I was almost starting to believe their brainwashing in order to stop the torture and live a comfortable life. You are different, with your seven years and the closeness to the crew you had. You also had the loneliness that a captain can have elevated to another level. Alone from Earth, Starfleet, family, and friends. You are then separated from your crew after returning to Earth and your flock no longer needs its shepherd. When you were on Junhar, you didn’t have that security like you did when you were tortured by the Cardassians. It made the situation that much more unbearable. You thought you were alone. Am I right?”

“Yes. You hit it on the nail.”

“Have you told Captain Chakotay about it?”

“No, I haven’t. It’s…” and she waves it away.

“Why not?”

“We haven’t talked to each other in a while and we are just finally getting reconnected because of all of this. I don’t want his pity and I don’t want it to be the only thing we talk about.”

“Hmm. It’s hard enough for people in our position if you don’t open up more. Or else, it will just bottle up inside and tear and eat away at your soul. I think he will understand. After all, he’s a captain now, too.”

…

Chakotay didn’t go down to the planet with Picard and Kathryn even though he wanted to. Kathryn still needed some space in regards to the Crev situation. He trusted Picard to look after her and he did not give trust in her care easily. He decided to bum around the ship until she returned. He smiled at the memory of Kathryn using Picard’s inflections while reading his reports on the Borg when they first entered Borg space years ago on Voyager.

He knew she returned to the ship and was with Captain Picard. Chakotay didn't want to interrupt but he was getting anxious. He decided to go to Ten Forward and had a seat at the bar.

“You are so tightly wound it looks like your will fly though the air at any second.” Guinan appeared in front of Chakotay.

“I didn’t think I was.”

“Oh, yes you are. Want something to drink?”

“Surprise me.”

“Okay, one, ‘Surprise Me,’ coming right up.”

She started to make his drink. 

“How are you two doing?” she asked.

“The admiral just came back from the planet and is talking to Captain Picard. I can tell she is still struggling with the trauma but she pretends it isn’t interfering with her daily life. I am glad we’re talking again and it feels good to be with her again.”

Guinan finished stirring and gave him his drink.

“This drink is called, ‘Lover’s Blush.’”

Chakotay almost choked on his drink. “Interesting name.”

“Yes. It’s that flow on a face after an intimate-”

“I get the picture.”

Gunian laughed and smiled.

“Your ears match the color of the drink.”

“Maybe it should be renamed, ‘Chakotay’s Ears,’ instead. On the other hand, that sounds weirdly Ferengi”.

“I heard you return to Earth tomorrow.”

“Yes, tomorrow a shuttle transport will pick us up to bring us to Earth.” He took another drink from his glass.

“Too bad. I like pulling your leg. Plus, I haven’t met the admiral yet.”

She looks at the door to see who just came in. “Speaking of the admiral…”

Kathryn came into Ten Forward and looked around. Captain Picard was a step behind her.

Chakotay watched her. She looked drained and a little lost. Finally, her eyes locked onto his and she gave a soft smile. She started to walk in his direction at the bar with Picard at her footsteps.

Picard spoke, “Admiral Janeway, this is Guinan. She is a very old and dear friend of mine.”

“Hello, Guinan, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise, Admiral Janeway. Care to sit down and join us for a drink?”

“Sure,” she said and sat down at the bar.

“If you’ll excuse me, I am needed on the bridge,” Picard said.

They nodded and he left.

“Anything in particular you wish to drink?”

“That looks good. I’ll have one of those,” Kathryn spoke and indicated towards Chakotay’s drink.

Guinan prepared the drink and placed it in front of her.

“Here you are, admiral.”

Kathryn took the drink and took a sip. A smile curled at the corner of her lips and she tilted her head in approval. “It’s very good. What is it?” she said and continued to drink.

Chakotay felt his ears growing warm.

“It’s called, ‘Lover’s Blush.’”

Kathryn barely managed to swallow with some difficulty. Chakotay saw her blush and he knew Guinan did, too.

“He reacted the same way when I told him,” Guinan said, saving Chakotay from explaining that he did not order it knowing what it was called.

“You look like you need some food as well. I know just the thing. I’ll be right back,” Guinan said before she walked away from the bar to get it.

Kathryn was glancing down either because she was avoiding his gaze or because she was lost in thought.

Chakotay touched her arm and she looked at him. “It was tougher than you thought, wasn’t it?” He said.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. Although, it might be a good thing I didn’t,” he said and leaned over to her. In a hushed voice he said, “because they would have been in worse shape than when they came in.” His tone was a mix of humor and serious, but most of all, protectiveness.

He returned back to his regular sitting position as Guinan returned with some food.

“Thank you,” she said to Guinan.

“I’m impressed by you, Admiral Janeway. You know, my homeworld, El-Auria, was located in the Delta Quadrant.”

Kathryn and Chakotay looked at each other and then Guinan in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard correctly. It doesn’t exist anymore due to the Borg. As a result of communication and a toss-up with the Q, we have been scattered across the universe. The Delta Quadrant is a nasty piece of work. It had to take a strong set of people to make it out as you have. A strong bond. Enjoy your drinks,” she said and she moved onto others who were approaching the bar.

Kathryn said with furrowed brows, “Why do I feel like she knows things I don’t know?”

“I know, right? I thought it was just me,” he said. “Want to sit down at a table?”

She nodded and they moved to a corner table. Kathryn finished her food as Chakotay continued to work on his drink.The atmosphere was thick with a cloud hanging over it.

“This drink is just too good. But, damn the name,” Chakotay smirked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“I think she’s onto us,” he said and looked at her with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. 

She sighed as her elbows rested on the table. She placed her hands together on her forehead and ran both hands through her hair.

Now Chakotay was deeply concerned. Was it about their relationship, the Crev, or something else?

“I  _ swear _ ; this ship,” she said and stood up. “Can we go?”

“Of course,” he said. They left Ten Forward and headed towards their quarters.

“Chakotay, can we go to yours? I don’t want to go to mine right now,” she said in the turbolift.

“Whatever you need.”

When they entered her quarters they both took a seat on the couch, with an arm-length separating them.

She leaned back and placed her hand on her forehead and closed her eyes.

“Kathryn?”

“I just have a headache that’s been moving across my head like a tennis match.”

Chakotay thought about sickbay.

“Don’t even  _ think _ about mentioning sickbay, “ she said with her eyes still closed.

He stood and walked around his quarters. Kathryn heard him but her headache was piercing around her brow bones and turning into a full-on migraine.

Chakotay’s footsteps came closer and although she knew they were his, she started to shake and opened her eyes. He was inches away from her as he put a pillow under her head. He also had a blanket on his arm that he draped on her lap.

Chakotay walked away again, returning with a hot cloth and placed it on her forehead. She exhaled at the heat of the compress and eventually fell asleep.

Kathryn’s head started to slide to the side and her upper body was following when she nodded off. He guided her pillow and her head onto the seat cushions and slowly took off her boots. He placed her legs up onto the couch and readjusted her blanket. He reheated the compress and placed it back on her head.

Chakotay sat next to her head and stroked it. He looked at her pale face and remembered how not too long ago Kathryn’s face was floating lifelessly on the planet below. He remembered the multi-colored bruises covering her sides, back , arms, and legs. The black and swollen eye. He remembered the pruned skin around the gashes of her fingers. She wasn’t wearing any pants and he knew one of her legs was not bent the way it should’ve been. Anger started to build up within him. When he had picked up her broken body from the water she was so light. If he had come down with her to see the Crev responsible for the heinous actions taken against her when the away team was on Junhar, he wouldn't know what he would’ve done. Yet, all that mattered was that Kathryn had been found, that she is now alive and safe. Also, that he had another chance to make things right. Just watching her breathe and sleep in his quarters has pushed the anger back down. Her eyes were showing evidence of REM sleep. He hoped, just maybe, she was dreaming about him,

Kathryn’s heart started to pound and her breathing became more and more pronounced and rapid.

“No, no!” she screamed in her sleep and her body started to jerk round. 

“Kathryn. You’re having a bad dream,” he said and continued to stroke her hair.

“No,” she whimpered out and tears started to come from her closed eyes. “Why? Why…” she continues, “Chakotay...I’m sorry.” She’s shaking and she’s not exhaling or inhaling. His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat.

‘Breathe,” he commands.

Suddenly, she gasps in air and quickly sits up. Kathryn is sobbing ang heaving. She feels like she can’t get enough air and she looks at her hands and legs, expecting to see blood and marks on her body. She stands up and starts to feel like the ground is swallowing her, pulling her in. Chakotay sees her stumble and is able to catch her and cradles her on the floor.

“I gave up,” she forces out while drowning in her tears and sobs.

“It’s okay. Shhh,” he said, trying to soothe her.

“No,” she shook her head, “No, you don’t understand. I gave up long before I was even in the water. Even before I went on that shuttle.”

“You’re safe. We’re together now.”

“No!” her fist pounds the floor. It hurts to talk because her abdomen is sore. “I’m not talking about us, “ she pauses, “or my career,” she said with a guttural voice. Kathryn looked into his eyes without blinking.

“ **Everything** . **_Ev-_ ** …” she breathed deeply, “ **_-ery…-thing_ ** ,” with a look of absolution.

Kathryn’s words felt like a punch to the chest. He now understood what she was trying to say to him. His eyes widened and he processed it. Her lips quivered and she buried her face into his chest to continue her painful cries. He clutched her and buried his head into her shoulder and started to cry as well.

…

They remained on the floor in silence with the exception of the muffled cries for what seemed like ages. Chakotay didn’t even know what to say. He just needed to hold and comfort her. He thought of how she said, “Even before I got on that shuttle.”

Was she trying to reach out as a desperate cry for help when she contacted him on Earth? When she tried to meet with her old Starfleet roommate? When she sent in her resignation letter, was it because of me or was it because…?” He shuddered at that thought.

If he had answered, would she have even been able to be on that shuttle? Could he have been to blame?

‘I should have told her about Seven and that I ended it when he broke up. I knew that she knew about us at the ball….I should have told her when we ended our relationship. How long has she been so depressed that she thought of ending her own life?’

Kathryn’s soul had been torn apart, shattered, and stomped on by life. It wasn’t fair. 

Her pulse and her breathing had returned back to normal. She was no longer crying or making muffled sounds. His neck was becoming sore and he lifted his head. He propped Kathryn from his chest and had her sit up. His hands ran through her hair and brushed it away from her face. She had her eyes down towards the floor and he lifted her chin with the tips of his fingers. Kathryn finally looked at him with her puffy eyes.

“Hey, you,” he said murmured softly, “I love you.”

She saw the love in his glassy and also puffy eyes. “I love you, too,” she said.

“I have to tell you something,” he said.

With a concerned look, Kathryn waited for him to speak.

“My butt is sore, Kathryn. I need to get up.”

She smiled and nodded.

Chakotay stood up and offered his hands to help her up and she took them. “How is your headache?”

“Gone, but my head is still a bit fuzzy.”

“Are you still up for our date tonight?” He asked.

“I think so.”

Chakotay said, “Computer, what is the time?”

“17:00.”

“When did you want to start? You are in charge of this date, after all.”

Kathryn said, “The holodeck is scheduled for 17:30 for both dinner and our activity.”

“How about we both wash up a little, change, and I’ll meet you at your quarters in twenty-five minutes?”

“Sounds good,” she said.


	14. Healing

The shower felt so good. The warmth penetrated every fiber of her skin. She thought of how he held her and cried when she told him. It pierced her even more to hear the reaction he had. She didn’t know how he would react. She expected questions, some kind of pity discussion, or that is was because of the torture that she felt that way. Kathryn didn’t expect his sobs buried into her shoulder. She had to say it then because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to. Only he could understand the full scope of it. She had been tortured with Cardassians before, but that was short-lived and was not as intense by the time she and Admiral Owen Paris were rescued with the help of Justin Tighe. She had not been ashamed about that, even afterwards. The Crev incident was brutal and her suicidal depression made it that much worse. 

She hoped Chakotay wouldn’t tip-toe around her, knowing that she was in a more fragile and delicate state. She knew how protective he could be.

…

Chakotay leaned his head down against the shower wall and braced his hands over his head in thought. He had seen Kathryn withdraw herself and go into depressive states at times on Voyager. If she ever tried to attempt a dangerous mission by herself she did it to try to absolve herself in the eyes of her crew. However, he and Tuvok became experts on holding her down on Voyager and stopped the suicide missions. He was greatly disturbed. Never once did she intentionally want to harm herself, that he was aware of. That was against her nature. She was a fighter for life, even with Quinn. Chakotay was glad he was there and glad that they had been intimate. However, he hoped it wasn’t going all too fast for her.

…

Chakotay pressed the door panel to her quarters. He was wondering if she would call off the evening. The door slid open and she went inside.

“I’ll be right out, Chakotay. Go ahead and have a seat.”

He took a seat and drummed his finger on his pant leg.

“Chakotay, can you come here and help me with this?”

He walked over to her bedroom and her back was to him.

“I can’t reach the top,” she said. The back of her dress had a zipper that stopped about five inches short from the top of it. He slowly zipped up the rest, watching the teeth of the zipper entwine with the other. He could smell her floral perfume, intoxicating him.

“Thanks,” she said and turned around.

‘Spirits,’ he thought as he looked at her. She wore a forest green dress with a braided woven pattern that trailed from her shoulders and around the bust. It had a very slight and subtle shimmer and had just barely covered her kneecaps. She wore matching heels that displayed her toes. He did not expect that she would be wearing nail polish.

“My eyes are up here, Chakotay,” she said and smiled

“Hmmm?” he said as he looked up at her eyes. “You look amazing Kathryn,” he said as he tugged his ear. “I almost feel like I’m underdressed.”

He looked at her beautiful, bare neck. Chakotay felt a flutter in his chest.

“You’re fine, Chakotay,” she said.

“ _ You’re fine _ ,” he murmured without thinking.

Her cheeks turned a slight shade of pink and he realized he had said that aloud.

“Shall we go?” He offered up his arm and she took it.

….

It’s been a long time since she’s dressed up like this. She felt as if she was an imposter; a doppelganger. Yet, tonight, she wanted to feel like a living, breathing woman. Not a Starfleet officer but a woman. Chakotay’s apparent nervousness and reaction to her suggested that she did the trick. He looked a bit sharper, too, in his charcoal dress shirt and black slacks. His belt buckle matched the shine of his shoes. As they walked down the halls she could see and feel the looks of curiosity. Kathryn felt exposed. She must have increased the strength of her grip on his arm because Chakotay looked at his arm, then at her, and patted her hand as if to say, ‘It’s all right.’

…

Kathryn keyed in the holodeck program and they went inside. He did not know what to expect what she had in store for them and he was surprised. It was a nice Italian restaurant that held about a hundred or so people and holodeck characters. It looked as if it was in Italy, perhaps...Venice. There was a band and a dance floor on the first floor, with a balcony reaching over. It looked like a converted theater.

The white-vested waiter ushered them to their intimate table, discussed the specials,and left them at their table. 

“Are you thinking of a red or a white wine?” he said.

“Red.”

Chakotay ushered the waiter, who came back with a bottle of Merlot and poured their glasses.

Chakotay held up his glass and said, “Here's to a lovely evening together.”

“Indeed,” she said and they clinked glasses and sipped. Then sat the glasses back down and began to look at the menu. He looked at her over his menu when she looked over her choices. Kathryn knew he was looking at her but pretended not to notice. She ordered her food and so did he.

‘I’ll have the eggplant lasagna,” he said and handed the waiter his menu.

The waiter made a slight scoff and walked away.

“Did he just roll his eyes at me?” Chakotay asked with a smirk.

“Most definitely,” she said.

“I guess that’s what happens when you’re in Italy and you don’t eat meat,” he shrugged.

She nodded. 

He said, “You had quite the grip on my arm earlier.”

“How could I not? Especially with those arms,” she teased.

“Were you embarrassed?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“I’m just not used to dressing like this.”

“Ahh. So it’s not because of what it looks like or how it looks?”

“If I was worried about that I would’ve worn my uniform,” she said, pointedly.

“Good,” he said and stuck out his palm towards her. “Dance with me.”

She took his hand and they walked their way over to the dance floor. The band was playing the start of an upbeat, swinging song. He put his hand on her hip and soon they were off. There was hopping, twisting, and twirling.

She was amazed. She didn’t know he could dance. He never talked about it and she didn’t remember him ever dancing on Voyager. However, she knew he did not like performing in front a crowd-especially when Talent Night was brought up. Chakotay’s movements were smooth at each turn. At first, she was concentrating on not tripping in her heels. After ,she became more comfortable tin that she wasn’t going to step on his feet. Kathryn looked into his eyes. They were solely concentrated on her and only her. She got lost in those chocolate eyes of his. After a few of those quick-paced songs they retreated back to their table. The waiter brought them their food.

“I didn’t know that you could dance! Dance, and dance like  _ that _ . You’ve been keeping it a secret!”

Chakotay smiled and his dimples peeked out as he glanced down shyly at his plate and back up. “Well, to box, you do need to be light on your feet,” he chuckled .”You’re not so bad yourself, Kathryn.”

“I love dancing,” she said and looked upon the dance floor.

Chakotay felt as though there was a tone of sadness in her voice. He reached out and folded his hand into hers.

“Well, now you have an adequate dance partner.”

She looked back at him and said, “more than adequate.”

He said, “What’s on your mind?”

She strayed away and looked at her plate and said, “Mmm. This looks good.” She took a bite of her food.

He let her eat and ate as well.

“You haven’t answered.”

“I was thinking about how we are going back to Earth tomorrow.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“I’m trying to make sense of it. I enjoy being on a ship again and hearing the hum of the ship and the warp engines. I enjoy the frequent holodeck access. I enjoy having a breather from people I know too well. I don’t enjoy being useless, especially without working on the Junhar alliance which I worked on for so long. I don’t enjoy the sonic shower. I don’t enjoy, even though it isn't their fault, everyone wanting to talk about my feelings on this ship because it will bring up a conversation I feel I am _ forced _ to have. I also don’t want to be pitied. I want my own bed. I don’t know if I want to carry out my resignation or what I want to do.” She focused on her food and finished her ravioli.

‘Finally, she let it out of the bottle,’ he thought.

“I hope you don’t resign. I don’t want you to resign.”

She looked at him with glossed eyes.

“There are many opportunities for you, Kathryn. You should take your leave to figure out what you want to do for as long as you need to. If you decide after that period of time that you really want to resign, then go ahead. There’s no rush but I know how much you love Starfleet and I don’t want you doing anything you would regret later.”

He finished his food and placed his napkin on the plate. He stood up and offered his hand to dance to a slow song. After several dances and dessert, he finally asked what had been bringing like a flame inside him since their earlier conversation at the table.

“I know this is a hard thing to answer and you can answer as much of it as you want...Were you really thinking of ending your own life on Earth? Were you that unhappy? That depressed?

She gulped and answered, “Yes.”

“Oh, Kathryn. You’ve taken care of everyone else. Let’s take care of you now, okay? Promise me you’ll continue counselling when we get back.”

She nodded and placed her head against his chest.

…

When they left the holodeck and went to her quarters, Chakotay stepped inside with her. 

“I’m staying with you tonight, in case your nightmares return. I’m not planning on sex tonight...too much food and I’m exhausted,” he said and smiled, “Maybe tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” she smiled.

….

The Enterprise’s senior staff met them in the shuttlebay and welcomed the Starfleet officers who came to help with the Junhar alliance.

“Take great care, admiral. Don’t forget to call,” Captain Picard said and shook her hand.

“I will and I won’t.”

“Captain,” he shook hands with Chakotay, “Good luck on your endeavors.”

“Nice to see you again, Admiral Janeway. Nice to finally meet you, captain,” said Commander Riker. 

“Likewise,” said Chakotay and he added, “Nice trombone music.”

Chakotay and Kathryn walked to the vessel with their bags on his shoulders.

“Are you ready?” Chakotay said.

She pulled out the pocket watch and placed it back in her pocket. 

She looked at him and said, “As long as I’m with you.”

  
  


The end!

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to type and edit. It was actually a dream I had when I was binge-watching Star Trek: Voyager when I realized there were episodes I forgot about. Congratulations for sticking it out! I hope you liked it.


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